Sailing Through Clouds

I saw her two nights ago

for a few brief seconds.

i gazed at the clouds

looking in the direction i knew she was.

She appeared momentarily

then sailed into the clouds

taking her slender crescent smile with her.

16th july 21:47

last night she smiled a little longer 

still sailing through clouds

as sometimes i do too

and together we rise above them...

they are a sea to sail 

with a character of their own

but sometimes

all we want 

is to sail free.

Musing...

 18th june, 22:08

Lately my moon-time misery has been non-existant. I think I have had one briefest thought a month that has made me wonder if i'm due on, or in hind-sight I've recognised the reason for some trifling impatience. Which is as it should be.... more like me. 

But I miss writing here. I have plenty of ideas involving the moon & creativity, the way she affects us in general, or I could just post photographs. But for some reason I don't want to fill this place with other 'stuff'. It's a little sacred space away from the crowds where I can retreat when I feel the need. And of course anyone who happens by is welcome.

I have been musing over whether to start another 'tara' blog... one that i can feel more sociable with. I do write elsewhere too, and some may wonder why i would want another outlet. Whereas some manage to combine all aspects of their life successfully in one place, I've realised I feel better putting similar things together... it helps me focus, as well as acting like a form of filing system. I've a butterfly brain at times, flitting from flower to flower... resting on one for a while before moving on to taste another favourite nectar. Ideas are forming... we'll see.

28th june, 05:45

And just when it seems I have no pmt grumbles I had a bout of tearful unreasonableness. Winding myself up to believe that my man 'expects' me to be a certain type of person... in reality he does nothing but encourage me to be 'me', he really can not understand anyone pretending to be something else, and would be hurt & angry to think I felt that way.  Where did all that come from? A day of biting my tongue & fighting back tears, knowing I was being waspish but unable to stop my self. I can't talk about it at the time without feeling even more badly done-to and going into attack mode. Luckily, we both know me, so no damage was done... but I don't like the feeling... it doesn't really feel like a natural part of me. It's like something else drives me.

That was last week... it dawned on me that it was coming up to dark moon... again... I really must be ready for it next time. If the pattern repeats I could be quite touchy the next couple of months. Hopefully I can be ready to look at the issues that may arise. I don't believe that it is a given that women should suffer like this, but I am curious about what drives these emotions. I have my theories... genetics, culture, patriarchal society, diet... these are pretty well accepted... and I want to look deeper at the astrological aspect, especially as I move towards menopause. This article 'the astrology of menopause' caught my attention Interesting times ahead!

Solstice Moon

 20th june

 21st june

22nd june

May Thoughts

17 may, 22:48

It seems that when I have had the inclination to post,

 I have not had the time.

When I have had the time I have not had the inclination.

I've thought about it a lot... but not put thought into action.

I have written, but not completed my train of thought...

23 may, 22:02

I've spoken to a few people 

who i have not contacted for a while...

each one has semi rebuked me for not being in touch.

Err... excuse me, am I the only one with a phone?

 Isn't communication a two-way thing?

So why is it just me who hasn't rung?

28 may, 23:22

 I haven't wanted to, perhaps they sense this... perhaps.

They are people I have been close to over the years,

 but the relationship generally consists of 

them talking & me listening,

though they would not recognise it as such. 

They are lovely people. They could do with my support.

But I put off phoning because I know

 I need at least an hour (or two) to listen...

It has become something I ought to do, rather than want to do.

 For a long time I have not been fulfilled

 by merely being supportive.

Friendship is a two-way thing... 

28 may 23:58

If they were boyfriends I'd end it saying 'It's not you, it's me' 

After all, it is me that's changed not them...

but it's different with friends.

Perhaps this annoyance was a pmt thing...

Maybe we can re-balance or maybe we have run our course,

time will tell....

April Thoughts

 

25 april

Full moon approaches

insights move in & out of focus

different perspectives emerge

I've been back in my 'home' area for 18 months & i've barely seen anyone I know from my previous life... recently I keep catching sight of people or bumping into them, people from years ago... I've wondered if these are hints to reconnect... or are there lessons to learn.... or things still to let go.

Maybe I am now more open... maybe i have hidden myself... 

Circumstances removed me from circulation... took me away from everyone & everything I once knew. I needed 'time off'... chance to re-group & re-assess. I've grown my inner Self... my connection to Nature, to Spirit, to the Web of Life. Although I feel so very much more connected, at the same time I feel apart from much that goes on. Life is much simpler now. I like it like this. Maybe seeing these people is a reminder, a confirmation of how far i have moved on...

[for some reason i wrote this & never came back to post it, no doubt i had some major point i wanted to add which now eludes me!]

Beltaine Approaches

28th april, 22:15

the fire-festival approaches

and She reflects the fiery sunset

that has sunk from the sky

28th april, 22:23

Hide & Reveal

25th april, 20:23

sometimes i wonder

whether to reveal myself

to be seen without hiding my identity

 i mean, pretty much all of the time

 i am comfortable 

with who i am and what i feel

26th april, 20:45

but perhaps some obscurity is wise

just because i don't have that feeling of unreason

doesn't mean it won't come back again

then where would i turn?

in those moments of angst it is better

to spare those nearest from my shadows, 

until i can cast some light on them myself

it isn't black and white

reason and unreason, shadow and light

the mystery of me 

the moon, la luna, selene

we all know who she is

no matter how much of herself she reveals

i think anyone who knows me who stumbles on this space,

may realise who i am, 

and that is fine

(especially as i sometimes forget to log out

when i travel the blogosphere!)

and if my dearest find me, i hope you'll understand

27th april, 21:50

so i dress myself in shadows

 to reveal more, not to hide

it's mystery, not deception

hiding in plain sight

 24 april, 20:29

All is clear in my sky, no unreason,

but no great motivation either 

 24 april, 21:41

Catchin' Clouds

23 april, 21:26

shadowy thoughts race past my mind

memories

whispers of something

but what?

like peripheral vision

i know they're there

i see them, feel them

but details, meaning, elude me.

does that matter?

am I snatching at something

not meant to be caught?

does the moon try to catch the clouds?

Does someone come out every night 

to watch me?

and marvel at my changing expression?

and try to capture the image of clouds

that race across my face?

and wonder if i even know they're there?

21st april, 20:33

headache

wave of pain

cold sweat

It would be so easy to curl up, not move, indulging the pain &  encourage misery... so easy. Instead I walk... out in the air, up to the little wood, seeking solace in the arms of nature. I didn't notice it stop. But breathing fresh air & looking at the hedges & sky, listening to birds.... it went... as quickly as the moon darts from behind a cloud. How much of it is self-created? How much is what we are conditioned to expect?

Yesterday was a headachey day.... I'm not used to headaches, rarely get them... but a couple of of times lately they have preceded my period. I never had them as a teenager, but I distinctly remember a friend telling me that she always had them during her periods. Guess what? I had a couple of months with headaches. I remember thinking then, that I hadn't had them until I'd heard about someone else. That was the first time I became aware of my body being open to suggestion, I think. A glimpse of awareness. I never had them again. Still had stomach cramps though until I went on the pill!

For a long time I have never known which will be the day I start... it comes when it comes. I know i have vocalised the thought that it might be good to have some warning... also, friends have been talking about 'the change' & how they are affected. Have i just been picking up their suggestions? Have I given my body permission to afflict me with headaches to warn me? Lets see how this awareness goes... 

  21st april, 21:31

same moon, an hour later

different focus

same woman, an hour later

pain vanished

How much of this is how we look at things

& adjust our focus of what is there?

Dark Moon Down-time

saturday, 17th april, 21:54

A dark moon of inactivity this month... just aimless, couldn't-be-botheredness apart from essential stuff. But now She is back in my sky and energies have shifted... The new moon was wednesday 14th april which coincided with my mental lethargy!

Dance With The Moon

1st March 22:26

 (my camera is broken so 'fraid no current moon pic)

Barely a murmur, barely a flicker of unreason... slightly grouchy a couple of weeks ago, but horrible stomach cramps & backache to accompany my ‘red-moon’ for a day on monday. Maybe it’s a bit of a trade-off, but in general I don’t fare too badly. I’ve noticed this past year I get more pain... similar to my teenage years, but on a shorter scale. I’ve also been having a day or two of much heavier blood-flow than usual... I think my body is having a final fling as my hormone levels change and I move towards menopause.

Peri-menopause is the official name for the stage before periods stop, but where very real menopausal symptoms show there face. For some women, this can last years. I am 46, nearly 47. My mum began going through ‘the change’ at this age... she was not amused as it was about 57 for her mother! I can check off many of the "34 symptoms of menopause" (on the page at the top), so I reckon things are moving that way. 

I wondered whether it helped that i thought about being more grounded... maybe, but last friday I was out late... the sky was clear & still, the moon waxing, nearly full. I leaned against a lone oak tree, one broken branch still attached, curled round me, the moon looking down through the branches.

With moonlight on my face, I felt totally safe, wrapped in the arms of the oak tree. We all smiled in contentment. I thought about feeling grounded through the roots of the oak, but instantaneously I also felt the moon connection. Mooned? Lunared? What name would you give it? The equivalent to grounding, being earthed? Tuned to the moon I heard or rather felt...

It’s the moon connection. Being in tune with the rhythms. Of ebb and flow. Of tides of your body. Dance with the moon.

And I did. Held in the arms of the oak I danced with the moon. It's something I often do, but perhaps these last few months I haven't. Maybe that has something to do with the pmt stuff? But this month I've been fine.

Insights on a New Moon

cloudy nights since new moon

cloudy thoughts.... not bad

just not perceiving the messages i know are there

20th March, 22:48

first sighting since dark moon

first clear night.... also

some tentative insight

21st March, 22:32

I'm sure the things that hurl themselves to the forefront of our consciousness at our moontime, however unreasonable/irrational/unconnected they may seem afterwards, relate to issues in our past that need healing. If we recognise this, our moontime gives the opportunity for deep healing.

Just sitting quietly... maybe lighting a candle, maybe out in the moonlight... sending loving healing energy through the ethers... back along the web of life, back along the strands of time... back to where these feelings arise. We don't have to know when or where or what caused these feelings. Just the intention that healing go back to where it started helps.... gradually dissolving the clouds of unreason, hurt, doubt.... Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself... take time for yourself, your past self, past generations of women in your family line.

A couple of weeks ago i wrote

 "I'm displaying characteristics of both my grandmothers that I once resented. I don't want my children & future grandchildren to resent or fear the way I react to what they say or do.

Maybe that is part of the answer... Buried resentment? Forgotten fears? Latent hurt at unintentional (or maybe intentional) reactions from my grandmothers?"

The fact that I mentioned my grandmothers in my "unreason" keeps floating into my mind. There is a connection there, something to intuit from this that i am only just beginning to grasp... still more to see.

We carry the dna of our grandmothers, and they of theirs... memories of past emotions carried forward through the generations... the healing i weave back through time must also travel to my children & forward to theirs, yet unconceived...

There are also issues from my life... i find myself remembering unreasonable outbursts, opinions, reactions from my parents & grandparents towards me as a child  (in my opinion back then!) Just snapshots of scenes & remember the hurt or confusion I felt then... I let the healing flow, not to change, but to repair the scratches & scars to my child-self's vulnerable  emotional system... and to my children...

I also see flashes of times i have caused hurt... to my mother, to my children.... let the healing flow...

 11th march, 07:18

Dark moon approaches, a time for introspection

Sink into the darkness, a time for deep reflection

Consumed the statutory bar of chocolate last night.... a large huge one. That time draws near, maybe another week, probably less. I vary. Perhaps being aware & on my guard will help. No more chocolate now that i've realised (at least that's my theory). I'm better if I don't eat it at all, but knowing that doesn't stop me, reason doesn't always enter into it. 

she wanes.... dissolving pain & anxiety