Monday, 1 November 2010

More onFull Moon Anger

The anger that i felt for a couple of full moons has been nagging me... not constantly, but gently nudging into my thoughts from time to time.... that there is more to it. This last full moon floated it back to my consciousness... not the anger, but the memory of the feeling. Time to re-examine. 

25th october, 18:25
I had thought that the anger wasn’t mine, that I’d picked up on someone else’s... perhaps i did. But as i reflected, the feeling that it was a trigger to release something in me came to mind. Sometimes in healing, emotions come to the surface with no obvious cause. Sometimes when working with others, I can sense where they come from & sometimes a bit of discussion can lead to the source... but not always. And often it is enough that they have released the blocked emotion with no need to pin-point where it came from.

The thought that it wasn’t necessary to know where the anger came from was strong, but running alongside was the acknowledgement that, yes, it was my anger. Acceptance. It came from me.

I am sure that symptoms of pre-menstrual tension are pointers to deeper issues within our selves that need attention... that they provide opportunities for healing or self development. If we allow it... if we are prepared to look at our reactions... truly, deeply inside our selves.
Accepting, without judgement.... knowing that my own repressed anger had surfaced, I asked that healing flow to it’s source. I don’t often feel anger... yeah i can get mad & sound off about various things... but full-blooded vicious anger? Where was that from?

My thoughts drifted to an unpleasant situation involving me & my family. My father mainly. Totally. A nasty confrontation that was necessary, but damaged relations between us all for a long time. He & I still don’t have a relationship. He is a hard man to confront. Anything he perceives as a challenge results in a temper explosion that thwarts discussion. A reaction borne out of his own insecurities & upbringing to mask any acknowledgement of possible weakness. 
I thought I had worked through it all... and i have, pretty much. Perhaps I could have handled it differently, but the outcome would likely have been the same eventually. But I kept going back to that time. It was fairly early on in my relationship with my partner & we had much to learn about each other. We handle things very differently & this situation aroused his anger about how I was being treated. Every time i talked about it he became angry & talked about how he would deal with it. 

Was my moon-time anger about my feelings not being heard? Maybe, but i’ve already resolved that. Was it about how i handled things? Again, maybe, but i’ve accepted how it was... The confrontation? Getting closer... something to do with the confrontations with my Dad... Don’t push it... just drift... let it come to you... oh gawd.. i was acting on his anger (my partners) not mine... how does that alter things? would i have still done the same? probably... so what’s the problem?... it was his anger, not my own... you vented his feelings, not yours... oh shit... did i provoke a situation unnecessarily?... no...that’s not it... it wasn’t the confrontation, but where you came from in doing it... Finally i got it... it wasn’t the words or the actual argument or whether i should have done anything differently... it was where the energy for the confrontation came from.... i didn’t vent from MY heart... MY anger was still there...  At least it was... not now...

The rift arose due to dysfunctional family communication. My dad doesn’t carry a chip on his shoulder... he’s got a wagon load! He’s lovely when he can see around them, but it’s unlikely we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve made peace with that... and with him at a higher level. My priority is to repair the communication issues that have been passed down from my grandparents & probably theirs... to my children & future generations. It stops here and won’t be re-lived in future life-times. Of that, I’m certain.
I offer my thanks... and blessings... to my father.... may his anger & misery dissolve...