Sunday, 28 February 2010

Different Woman

It's exact full moon this morning. I woke up feeling great... normal. Happy. Genuinely happy for them. I can't recognise the person I've been. Desperate to talk to them & apologise, explain.... but it's hard without sounding like I'm making excuses. But we have spoken... we'll talk some more. It's ok. Life's good. I have a good relationship with my son... & his girlfriend. I'm blessed. But my sister did do it deliberately, I'm sure, whatever she says. Her problem. Oh, and it wasn't mums ring... why would I ever think he'd do that without talking to me?

she smiles...

Saturday, 27 February 2010


That's what it felt like. It isn't. But I've been crying on and off all day. I'm out of order. Last night my son proposed to his girlfriend. No big surprise. He's been asking about Mum's engagement ring, which my sister has. But the text came from my sister.... a blurry snap of a ring on a finger, then "ha ha we know something you don't"... "do you prefer gran or nan?"

tell me in a couple of days... i'll laugh... i'll know it's a joke.... he told me she's definitely not pregnant.... he told me she wants a ring on her finger but he laughed it off.... 

She knew before me. If it's mum's ring it's been planned & he's told her but not me. 5 minutes, 10, 15... he still hasn't rung me. Half an hour later I can't keep my voice under control, I can't put on a happy, congratulatory tone. I'm terse, confused. Why can't I be nice, it's a special night for them. Why do I feel like this? Shrew. Querellous cow-bag.

They're all away on a weekend together, of course she'll know... no big deal, it's not like I didn't have an inkling...but if he's asked her to bring mums ring... I don't even think it is her ring, just similar... they'll ring her parents first, obviously....but what if they already know.... Surely sister knows he hasn't told me yet, why didn't she wait.... tell him to give me a call... why steal his thunder... what if he told her to tell me?

What if? What if? What if? That's the way to madness. Jealous, spiteful cow tara, stop doing this to your self. Stop acting like a victim when no one's done anything to you.

The fact is, my sister likes being the one who people confide in. The one they trust. She ingratiates herself. Never confrontational, always supportive, always says what you want to hear, never questions to your face. She likes to let you know that she's been confided in, that 'they' came to her. She needs to be needed. I know this. It doesn't usually bother me. She's done this deliberately, she knows i'm sensitive about my relationship with my son.

In the past my family have deliberately undermined my relationship with my son & she has revelled in being the one who can tell me what he is doing. That is in the past. Our relationship is good now. Or is it? Stop it tara. stop it now. you don't know how things have unfolded. It's not about you.

But as the day has gone on, all I can think is how I must have spoiled their night, put a damper on their joy. They won't know of any reason I could not be happy for them. There isn't one. Oh, how do I sort this one out?

Friday, 26 February 2010

Foreign Land

I'm in a strange place at the moment. Emotional jelly. Disproportionately hurt. For no reason... well there are reasons, but they're not anything to justify this reaction. I know that, but I can't seem to help it. I'm trying to un-peel the layers, to look below the surface & see what icy shards of former hurt remain unmelted. Unhealed.

I know I'm pre-menstrual... usually just knowing this helps me re-calibrate my thinking. But the last few months I've seen evidence of a woman I don't know. Or like. Most people wouldn't notice, but those closest to me do. Or soon will if I don't get a handle on this. So far no lasting damage has been done, but I'm in danger of hurting & alienating someone soon. If I haven't already. I'm displaying characteristics of both my grandmothers that I once resented. I don't want my children & future grandchildren to resent or fear the way I react to what they say or do.

Maybe that is part of the answer... Buried resentment? Forgotten fears? Latent hurt at unintentional (or maybe intentional) reactions from my grandmothers? Or is it just an age thing? I'm 46. Nearly 47. Not old, as my grandparents seemed to me. I'm still younger than they were when I knew them. I don't know if they were always like that, or when it started. But, I'm technically in middle age. Is this my mid-life crisis? The onset of menopause? Are my juices of rationality & compassion drying up? Am I eventually going to shrivel into a bitter, hurtful prune of an old woman? Speaking with the brittle voice of a withered leaf?

I'm in unfamiliar territory. I feel like an uncertain teenager battling emotional uncertainty, but without the naive confidence I had in my youth. Not that I was particularly confident, but I didn't question how I acted or why I felt a particular way.... I don't think. Maybe I've just forgotten.