Saturday, 27 February 2010


That's what it felt like. It isn't. But I've been crying on and off all day. I'm out of order. Last night my son proposed to his girlfriend. No big surprise. He's been asking about Mum's engagement ring, which my sister has. But the text came from my sister.... a blurry snap of a ring on a finger, then "ha ha we know something you don't"... "do you prefer gran or nan?"

tell me in a couple of days... i'll laugh... i'll know it's a joke.... he told me she's definitely not pregnant.... he told me she wants a ring on her finger but he laughed it off.... 

She knew before me. If it's mum's ring it's been planned & he's told her but not me. 5 minutes, 10, 15... he still hasn't rung me. Half an hour later I can't keep my voice under control, I can't put on a happy, congratulatory tone. I'm terse, confused. Why can't I be nice, it's a special night for them. Why do I feel like this? Shrew. Querellous cow-bag.

They're all away on a weekend together, of course she'll know... no big deal, it's not like I didn't have an inkling...but if he's asked her to bring mums ring... I don't even think it is her ring, just similar... they'll ring her parents first, obviously....but what if they already know.... Surely sister knows he hasn't told me yet, why didn't she wait.... tell him to give me a call... why steal his thunder... what if he told her to tell me?

What if? What if? What if? That's the way to madness. Jealous, spiteful cow tara, stop doing this to your self. Stop acting like a victim when no one's done anything to you.

The fact is, my sister likes being the one who people confide in. The one they trust. She ingratiates herself. Never confrontational, always supportive, always says what you want to hear, never questions to your face. She likes to let you know that she's been confided in, that 'they' came to her. She needs to be needed. I know this. It doesn't usually bother me. She's done this deliberately, she knows i'm sensitive about my relationship with my son.

In the past my family have deliberately undermined my relationship with my son & she has revelled in being the one who can tell me what he is doing. That is in the past. Our relationship is good now. Or is it? Stop it tara. stop it now. you don't know how things have unfolded. It's not about you.

But as the day has gone on, all I can think is how I must have spoiled their night, put a damper on their joy. They won't know of any reason I could not be happy for them. There isn't one. Oh, how do I sort this one out?


Paula said...

I am sorry you felt so bad. I have learned that "if's, should," dont get me anywhere. I have a very large critical, patronising and beating myself up - part inside me, which I currently learn not to listen to anymore. Isnt easy, takes a lot of awareness and even more so patience. However it is so rewarding. I can relate that you dont want your family etc read NOW, I can relate you your need to write. Here in the blogworld are millions of people which will understand, bond and even support you. I believe we want to be heard from people being able to relate. I wish you kindness and patience with yourself. HUgs across the channel.

taranova said...

Thanks for your kind words paula. The thing is I know this, but sometimes.... it probably doesn't even add up to a couple of weeks a year, but it throws up some interesting healing issues! In my 'normal' state its intriguing but on those days, duck! We shall see where the journey leads x