New Moon Breakthrough

A comment from ari on my last post set me thinking... we've emailed, and one of my comments, to myself as much as to her was;

"I think the answer is to keep pouring love & compassion into it... and trust that eventually we/they recognise what 'it' is exactly. In fact i'm sure of it... now to practice what i preach... it has worked before but sometimes get too caught up.... i can't choose how someone acts but i can choose how i let it affect me, as they say!"

And so i have been applying my words... sending healing love & compassion to the way we can react to each other.

3rd november, 08:50

Since this round of pmt began, about a year ago now, I have at times got myself really worked up about certain aspects of my partners personality & his reactions to certain ways i act when i'm pmt-ish. It's not every time, and when it occurs over dark/new moon i can be more over-sensitive than usual. Part of it is habitual, i'm sure, but there is something underlying to trigger it. I have a 23-26 day cycle and have hit my 'danger zone' these last two months.

8th december, 17:34

It seems the light & compassion has been filtering through. Ok, i was ready for it... i was aware of the phase and where i was in my cycle... but nothing happened. A flicker, i nearly took the bait, but the urge subsided without rising. He almost blew up, then laughed. Nothing. No voice of unreason. I was thankful. I kept pouring the compassion.

 17:37

Decembers new moon... i thought i'd miss the danger  zone, but i went a few days longer than usual. A slight flare up, but it sank back down... it seemed there was nothing there to feed it... i continue to be thankful... and am hopeful that this issue is close to being resolved.

More onFull Moon Anger

The anger that i felt for a couple of full moons has been nagging me... not constantly, but gently nudging into my thoughts from time to time.... that there is more to it. This last full moon floated it back to my consciousness... not the anger, but the memory of the feeling. Time to re-examine. 

25th october, 18:25

I had thought that the anger wasn’t mine, that I’d picked up on someone else’s... perhaps i did. But as i reflected, the feeling that it was a trigger to release something in me came to mind. Sometimes in healing, emotions come to the surface with no obvious cause. Sometimes when working with others, I can sense where they come from & sometimes a bit of discussion can lead to the source... but not always. And often it is enough that they have released the blocked emotion with no need to pin-point where it came from.


The thought that it wasn’t necessary to know where the anger came from was strong, but running alongside was the acknowledgement that, yes, it was my anger. Acceptance. It came from me.

18:32

I am sure that symptoms of pre-menstrual tension are pointers to deeper issues within our selves that need attention... that they provide opportunities for healing or self development. If we allow it... if we are prepared to look at our reactions... truly, deeply inside our selves.

Accepting, without judgement.... knowing that my own repressed anger had surfaced, I asked that healing flow to it’s source. I don’t often feel anger... yeah i can get mad & sound off about various things... but full-blooded vicious anger? Where was that from?

18:58

My thoughts drifted to an unpleasant situation involving me & my family. My father mainly. Totally. A nasty confrontation that was necessary, but damaged relations between us all for a long time. He & I still don’t have a relationship. He is a hard man to confront. Anything he perceives as a challenge results in a temper explosion that thwarts discussion. A reaction borne out of his own insecurities & upbringing to mask any acknowledgement of possible weakness. 

I thought I had worked through it all... and i have, pretty much. Perhaps I could have handled it differently, but the outcome would likely have been the same eventually. But I kept going back to that time. It was fairly early on in my relationship with my partner & we had much to learn about each other. We handle things very differently & this situation aroused his anger about how I was being treated. Every time i talked about it he became angry & talked about how he would deal with it. 

18:59

Was my moon-time anger about my feelings not being heard? Maybe, but i’ve already resolved that. Was it about how i handled things? Again, maybe, but i’ve accepted how it was... The confrontation? Getting closer... something to do with the confrontations with my Dad... Don’t push it... just drift... let it come to you... oh gawd.. i was acting on his anger (my partners) not mine... how does that alter things? would i have still done the same? probably... so what’s the problem?... it was his anger, not my own... you vented his feelings, not yours... oh shit... did i provoke a situation unnecessarily?... no...that’s not it... it wasn’t the confrontation, but where you came from in doing it... Finally i got it... it wasn’t the words or the actual argument or whether i should have done anything differently... it was where the energy for the confrontation came from.... i didn’t vent from MY heart... MY anger was still there...  At least it was... not now...

19:00

The rift arose due to dysfunctional family communication. My dad doesn’t carry a chip on his shoulder... he’s got a wagon load! He’s lovely when he can see around them, but it’s unlikely we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve made peace with that... and with him at a higher level. My priority is to repair the communication issues that have been passed down from my grandparents & probably theirs... to my children & future generations. It stops here and won’t be re-lived in future life-times. Of that, I’m certain.

I offer my thanks... and blessings... to my father.... may his anger & misery dissolve...

Harmony?

21st october, 21:38

A full moon in aries...

from this month the moon moves into a more harmonious 

cycle of the full moon being in the same sign

 as the previous new moon...

for 15 months of  the reverse being true...

i found out at Into The Mystic
which led me to
The Aquarius Papers

I would say i started feeling

off balance with my moon times for a year or so,

so perhaps this has had some bearing.

I haven't been able to find any articles relating

astrology to pmt,

 but i'm sure the planets have a bearing

on how we are affected.

Red Moon

30th september, 22:47

i've been blissed out with energy levels zinging

then bam! 

today, joints ache & everything's an effort.

check the calendar... uh-huh

red moon approaches!

23:16

everything i've done has incurred some mis-hap

dropped the dog lead... daft dog ran off...

dropped a blind i was putting back up...

broke the little trinket dish that was my grans...

blah, blah on it goes.

planned to write loads

but the crystal thoughts of what about

have turned to turn to foggy remnants.

inspiration has officially hidden behind a cloud.

i ache, i'm tired, but not for sleep.

roll on tomorrow.

Full Moon Anger!

Moon-time misery has barely figured

apart from twice

when pmt occurred at full moon...

a few hours clouded by anger

an inexplicable rage

at what? i don't know

but i haven't had this before

a build up of pressure

like steam waiting to explode...

not like me.

22 september, 05:40

and of course it did.

explode.

and it went.

the red mist subsided 

and everything softened

23 september, 05:58

but... a conversation with someone 

mired in misery, depression & anger

who seeks my attention

but chooses not to be helped

he has exploded

towards others at work

a long time problem

of anger he can't contain

25 september, 06:23

clarity. 

i think.

it is not the first time i have experienced 

the pain, the feelings

of others

but usually i recognise what is not mine

as my body moves towards menopause

 much is written about 

mood swings & scattered emotions

perhaps this expectation clouded my view

i overlooked the signs

perhaps some of the emotional swings

are due to an increased sensitivity

which for me 

seem to be at full or new moon

lessons to embrace

not fear

in order to don

the mantle of wise-woman

Moving on...

Well... i've created a new space...

moondreamin'....

 it's still a work in progress
with quite a bit yet to write to set the scene.

But it's a start. 

I've taken some of the posts from here with me, 

so everyone should feel at home.

If you'd like to pop over,

I'd be honoured to share your company.

Moon-time tara is staying here, in the back ground

for those times i need to retreat...

more of a private place

for when i need to unravel my muddles.

But of course you are welcome to stay...

in what for me, 

has been and will continue to be

 a gentle healing space.

In the meantime

i'll be sharing my photography & lunar musings,

hopefully a little more regularly as i go

moondreamin...

Moondreamin'...

3rd august, 06:55

its been a dreamy moon for me...

moon-dreamin is good for the soul-

plenty of plans & goals dreams

mixed in with indulgent dreamy dreams...

if you know what i mean?

Entranced...

28th july, 22:08

Still low, catching golden sun-rays
a momentary glimpse
'twixt horizon and cloud...

 22:24

i wait as she climbs
clouds announcing her progress
with gold and silver luminosity...

 22:49

i am entranced... captivated

by a show that could be

for my eyes only...

23:04

she dances between gauzy layers
of iridescent darkness
weaving her magic into the fabric...

23:14

a waltz of hide and reveal
and i watch and i sway and
i move to her rhythm...

23:17

a night of enchantment
my soul filled with light
i give thanks for her blessing

Growth of Ideas

23 july, 23:24 

As the moon grows, so do my ideas for another place...

as usual I have too many ideas to realistically work on! 

But, I have learned that I don't need to act on every single one,

no matter how good I may think they are...

 27 july, 22:41

Full moon and the idea is set... but I still have to refine 

& consider some of the angles, the perspectives...

(as well as having time to 'play' with blogger templates)

I've also quite a few ideas to follow through with my work,

opportunities are opening up in many ways & the signs are there...

27 july, 22:43

I'm taking some time to look upon the patterns that are forming...

to see if they add or detract from what i'm already doing,

and where i want to go.

Perhaps i'll muse on things for a full cycle, 

to consider, reflect & feel my way...

Moonlight Affective Disorder?

 21st july 21:39

The effects of low sunlight levels in winter (SAD)
 are widely accepted

but what about lack of moonlight... MAD? 

Perhaps that term is best kept for full moon when many
 break through the barriers of control,

or perhaps dark moon when some withdraw too far,

or perhaps it suits those of us who miss her
in our unpredictable skies.

It may be reflected sunlight

but she diffuses it...

infuses it with her grace.

So many of our race has a form of 

Moonlight Affective Disorder 

 no longer honouring the rhythms

 that beat through the Universe.

But some of us just know...

we don't have to see her

we know...

A Glimpse...

17th july 22:59

a glimpse of her light means so much

but still she sails in cloud

i soak up her rays & hold them dear

then offer them back to the world

Sailing Through Clouds

I saw her two nights ago

for a few brief seconds.

i gazed at the clouds

looking in the direction i knew she was.

She appeared momentarily

then sailed into the clouds

taking her slender crescent smile with her.

16th july 21:47

last night she smiled a little longer 

still sailing through clouds

as sometimes i do too

and together we rise above them...

they are a sea to sail 

with a character of their own

but sometimes

all we want 

is to sail free.

Musing...

 18th june, 22:08

Lately my moon-time misery has been non-existant. I think I have had one briefest thought a month that has made me wonder if i'm due on, or in hind-sight I've recognised the reason for some trifling impatience. Which is as it should be.... more like me. 

But I miss writing here. I have plenty of ideas involving the moon & creativity, the way she affects us in general, or I could just post photographs. But for some reason I don't want to fill this place with other 'stuff'. It's a little sacred space away from the crowds where I can retreat when I feel the need. And of course anyone who happens by is welcome.

I have been musing over whether to start another 'tara' blog... one that i can feel more sociable with. I do write elsewhere too, and some may wonder why i would want another outlet. Whereas some manage to combine all aspects of their life successfully in one place, I've realised I feel better putting similar things together... it helps me focus, as well as acting like a form of filing system. I've a butterfly brain at times, flitting from flower to flower... resting on one for a while before moving on to taste another favourite nectar. Ideas are forming... we'll see.

28th june, 05:45

And just when it seems I have no pmt grumbles I had a bout of tearful unreasonableness. Winding myself up to believe that my man 'expects' me to be a certain type of person... in reality he does nothing but encourage me to be 'me', he really can not understand anyone pretending to be something else, and would be hurt & angry to think I felt that way.  Where did all that come from? A day of biting my tongue & fighting back tears, knowing I was being waspish but unable to stop my self. I can't talk about it at the time without feeling even more badly done-to and going into attack mode. Luckily, we both know me, so no damage was done... but I don't like the feeling... it doesn't really feel like a natural part of me. It's like something else drives me.

That was last week... it dawned on me that it was coming up to dark moon... again... I really must be ready for it next time. If the pattern repeats I could be quite touchy the next couple of months. Hopefully I can be ready to look at the issues that may arise. I don't believe that it is a given that women should suffer like this, but I am curious about what drives these emotions. I have my theories... genetics, culture, patriarchal society, diet... these are pretty well accepted... and I want to look deeper at the astrological aspect, especially as I move towards menopause. This article 'the astrology of menopause' caught my attention Interesting times ahead!

Solstice Moon

 20th june

 21st june

22nd june

May Thoughts

17 may, 22:48

It seems that when I have had the inclination to post,

 I have not had the time.

When I have had the time I have not had the inclination.

I've thought about it a lot... but not put thought into action.

I have written, but not completed my train of thought...

23 may, 22:02

I've spoken to a few people 

who i have not contacted for a while...

each one has semi rebuked me for not being in touch.

Err... excuse me, am I the only one with a phone?

 Isn't communication a two-way thing?

So why is it just me who hasn't rung?

28 may, 23:22

 I haven't wanted to, perhaps they sense this... perhaps.

They are people I have been close to over the years,

 but the relationship generally consists of 

them talking & me listening,

though they would not recognise it as such. 

They are lovely people. They could do with my support.

But I put off phoning because I know

 I need at least an hour (or two) to listen...

It has become something I ought to do, rather than want to do.

 For a long time I have not been fulfilled

 by merely being supportive.

Friendship is a two-way thing... 

28 may 23:58

If they were boyfriends I'd end it saying 'It's not you, it's me' 

After all, it is me that's changed not them...

but it's different with friends.

Perhaps this annoyance was a pmt thing...

Maybe we can re-balance or maybe we have run our course,

time will tell....

April Thoughts

 

25 april

Full moon approaches

insights move in & out of focus

different perspectives emerge

I've been back in my 'home' area for 18 months & i've barely seen anyone I know from my previous life... recently I keep catching sight of people or bumping into them, people from years ago... I've wondered if these are hints to reconnect... or are there lessons to learn.... or things still to let go.

Maybe I am now more open... maybe i have hidden myself... 

Circumstances removed me from circulation... took me away from everyone & everything I once knew. I needed 'time off'... chance to re-group & re-assess. I've grown my inner Self... my connection to Nature, to Spirit, to the Web of Life. Although I feel so very much more connected, at the same time I feel apart from much that goes on. Life is much simpler now. I like it like this. Maybe seeing these people is a reminder, a confirmation of how far i have moved on...

[for some reason i wrote this & never came back to post it, no doubt i had some major point i wanted to add which now eludes me!]

Beltaine Approaches

28th april, 22:15

the fire-festival approaches

and She reflects the fiery sunset

that has sunk from the sky

28th april, 22:23

Hide & Reveal

25th april, 20:23

sometimes i wonder

whether to reveal myself

to be seen without hiding my identity

 i mean, pretty much all of the time

 i am comfortable 

with who i am and what i feel

26th april, 20:45

but perhaps some obscurity is wise

just because i don't have that feeling of unreason

doesn't mean it won't come back again

then where would i turn?

in those moments of angst it is better

to spare those nearest from my shadows, 

until i can cast some light on them myself

it isn't black and white

reason and unreason, shadow and light

the mystery of me 

the moon, la luna, selene

we all know who she is

no matter how much of herself she reveals

i think anyone who knows me who stumbles on this space,

may realise who i am, 

and that is fine

(especially as i sometimes forget to log out

when i travel the blogosphere!)

and if my dearest find me, i hope you'll understand

27th april, 21:50

so i dress myself in shadows

 to reveal more, not to hide

it's mystery, not deception

hiding in plain sight