Moon-time Tara

Silence

2012-01-21T00:29:00.000Z

Silence.

Quietness.

No need to talk.

And that is good.

10th december 2011 ~ 16:27

No issues for a year. Two years ago i started this blog, worried about my moon-time misery... this is how it started...

I'm in a strange place at the moment. Emotional jelly. Disproportionately hurt. For no reason... well there are reasons, but they're not anything to justify this reaction. I know that, but I can't seem to help it. I'm trying to un-peel the layers, to look below the surface & see what icy shards of former hurt remain unmelted. Unhealed.

I felt like i was in a foreign land... this is that first post.

14th december, 2011 ~ 07:43

It was indeed a foreign land... it was a cycle that took a year to unravel, a year of talking about things in public in a way i hadn't done before, followed by a year of silence. More or less. It wasn't just here that i've been silent... i've barely written in other places either.

It could have been the planetary movements bringing things to the surface... nudging me to examine myself... because the astrological the map does guide us in ways unseen... there could be other things at play. A clearing... a cleansing before some unseen initiation.

Years ago, it was similar irrationality that started me paying closer attention to the cycles of the moon... i'm trying to think exactly when.... about 10 years ago, thereabouts... but what followed was an intense few years of spiritual growth & healing. This last year has been intense too... i've retreated, withdrawn from people and things i usually do... didn't do any of the 'oughts' or 'shoulds'... particularly since the summer solstice.

But it has been very necessary. Connections have deepened. Energies have strengthened.

22 december, 2011~ 07:05

Since the winter solstice & the new moon something has changed. I've changed. An attitude... a confidence... a note in my voice. An apprenticeship is served. Maybe a new one will start.

I'm not sure whether i will write here.... or whether i shall change the focus. I've photographed the January full moon & written my thoughts at Moondreamin'. I do plan to fill in some of the gaps over there... i have notes & photographs to share & want to keep a record.... both of the moon & how my photography improves (or not) Things will come back on track naturally at Spirit Whispers i think too.

Already this month, I've been given several opportunities to help others heal... more in a few weeks than all of the last couple of years. And the energy is stronger than ever... powerful in a way that words can't convey. It's time to use it...

9th january, 2012 ~ 07:54

~The Moon of Welcome~

Seeing the Signs?

2011-03-20T14:00:00.002Z

"Do you find that keeping a constant eye on the moon has a stronger effect on your life? The moon cycle is the same month to month. Do you see differences (details) that a random observer doesn't? For example, just before the Indonesia earthquake/tidal wave almost 6 years ago I saw a red ring around the moon. I would love to read some of your insights on the topic."

These questions came from Lisa, commenting on my last post, and it set me off on so many trains of thought that I still haven't written down.

I wanted to be able to say yes, but I haven't seen signs that I can relate to specific events... perhaps the signs have been there & I haven't made the connection... perhaps I have been looking at a more personal level rather than global. I gave myself a slight admonishment at that... have i been too focussed on self? I do see signs frequently... unusual rainbow effects, circles of light, cloud formations and such. Often when I have been pondering something I see a sign that confirms or points me in a direction... that mean something to me... or sparks an insight into human behaviour or needs... When I do have such insights I may share them on moondreamin', though here, I tend to stick to the personal.

18th january, 06:50

same moon only a few seconds apart

different shutter speed

a slightly different way of looking

yields a totally different view

But, spending so much time gazing upwards, you would think that I would sense something... again i had the sense that is something to do with focus, and vowed to try & be more aware. Before the February earthquake in New Zealand, I hadn't seen the moon at all for a fortnight due to cloud... i didn't see her for 3 days before the Japan earthquake last week...

I also wonder whether it is to do with timing... that the moon may transmit her message for a time, & it depends who is looking at that time. There was an earthquake in New Zealand last September, and one in Chile last february... I've looked back over photographs to see if they would jog a memory of what i saw or felt. Whilst I can remember specific thoughts related to some, and have notes relating to others, nothing, even with hindsight, triggered an alarm at those times...

8th march, 17:31

at the time i saw the moon moving into a
clear space from behind cloud,

being held in a circle,
a part of the whole but with her own identity.

now, as i post the picture,
i see the moon as an eye in a fierce looking

birds or dragons head.
am i looking for something that isn't there?

or showing that perception & focus determine
what is seen or how a message is received?

an earthquake may be seen as a random event of nature,

or as a part of the whole of Earth...

a shake of her muscle as she expresses her irritation

a bird pecking at it's feathers to clean them

a dragon scorching an intruder with it's breath...

lessons to be learned,

don't bury our heads or hide behind clouds

look to the skies where eagle soars & dragon flies

see how gently they can land on earth...

There are people I know, who get a sense of 'something is going to happen', one in particular who feels quite ill before such events of nature... usually, once she talks about it... acknowledges the feeling, it lifts... she can sense where in the world something may happen. Often she is right, sometimes nothing seems to occur.

But what is someone supposed to do with that premonition? Perhaps it is the evolution of our collective mind... more strongly evolved in some... perhaps as more people tune in to this energy the collective can work to restore balance. Perhaps, being aware of some impending event means that we can transmit healing energy before it happens... maybe enough soothing vibes in an area can help mitigate the effects...

"A blanket of comfort & calm... gently soothing the Earth... absorbing the anguish & pain... gently transmuting them into loving, peaceful energy... a blanket of calm gently soothing & settling the tremors... feel the earth's heart beating steadily once more... calmed by the blanket of love... "
(this is part of a Blanket of Comfort for Japan at Healing Whispers)

New Moon Breakthrough

2010-12-12T20:26:00.000Z

A comment from ari on my last post set me thinking... we've emailed, and one of my comments, to myself as much as to her was;

"I think the answer is to keep pouring love & compassion into it... and trust that eventually we/they recognise what 'it' is exactly. In fact i'm sure of it... now to practice what i preach... it has worked before but sometimes get too caught up.... i can't choose how someone acts but i can choose how i let it affect me, as they say!"

And so i have been applying my words... sending healing love & compassion to the way we can react to each other.

3rd november, 08:50

Since this round of pmt began, about a year ago now, I have at times got myself really worked up about certain aspects of my partners personality & his reactions to certain ways i act when i'm pmt-ish. It's not every time, and when it occurs over dark/new moon i can be more over-sensitive than usual. Part of it is habitual, i'm sure, but there is something underlying to trigger it. I have a 23-26 day cycle and have hit my 'danger zone' these last two months.

8th december, 17:34

It seems the light & compassion has been filtering through. Ok, i was ready for it... i was aware of the phase and where i was in my cycle... but nothing happened. A flicker, i nearly took the bait, but the urge subsided without rising. He almost blew up, then laughed. Nothing. No voice of unreason. I was thankful. I kept pouring the compassion.

17:37

Decembers new moon... i thought i'd miss the danger zone, but i went a few days longer than usual. A slight flare up, but it sank back down... it seemed there was nothing there to feed it... i continue to be thankful... and am hopeful that this issue is close to being resolved.

More onFull Moon Anger

2010-11-01T14:08:00.002Z

The anger that i felt for a couple of full moons has been nagging me... not constantly, but gently nudging into my thoughts from time to time.... that there is more to it. This last full moon floated it back to my consciousness... not the anger, but the memory of the feeling. Time to re-examine.

25th october, 18:25

I had thought that the anger wasn’t mine, that I’d picked up on someone else’s... perhaps i did. But as i reflected, the feeling that it was a trigger to release something in me came to mind. Sometimes in healing, emotions come to the surface with no obvious cause. Sometimes when working with others, I can sense where they come from & sometimes a bit of discussion can lead to the source... but not always. And often it is enough that they have released the blocked emotion with no need to pin-point where it came from.

The thought that it wasn’t necessary to know where the anger came from was strong, but running alongside was the acknowledgement that, yes, it was my anger. Acceptance. It came from me.

18:32

I am sure that symptoms of pre-menstrual tension are pointers to deeper issues within our selves that need attention... that they provide opportunities for healing or self development. If we allow it... if we are prepared to look at our reactions... truly, deeply inside our selves.

Accepting, without judgement.... knowing that my own repressed anger had surfaced, I asked that healing flow to it’s source. I don’t often feel anger... yeah i can get mad & sound off about various things... but full-blooded vicious anger? Where was that from?

18:58

My thoughts drifted to an unpleasant situation involving me & my family. My father mainly. Totally. A nasty confrontation that was necessary, but damaged relations between us all for a long time. He & I still don’t have a relationship. He is a hard man to confront. Anything he perceives as a challenge results in a temper explosion that thwarts discussion. A reaction borne out of his own insecurities & upbringing to mask any acknowledgement of possible weakness.

I thought I had worked through it all... and i have, pretty much. Perhaps I could have handled it differently, but the outcome would likely have been the same eventually. But I kept going back to that time. It was fairly early on in my relationship with my partner & we had much to learn about each other. We handle things very differently & this situation aroused his anger about how I was being treated. Every time i talked about it he became angry & talked about how he would deal with it.

18:59

Was my moon-time anger about my feelings not being heard? Maybe, but i’ve already resolved that. Was it about how i handled things? Again, maybe, but i’ve accepted how it was... The confrontation? Getting closer... something to do with the confrontations with my Dad... Don’t push it... just drift... let it come to you... oh gawd.. i was acting on his anger (my partners) not mine... how does that alter things? would i have still done the same? probably... so what’s the problem?... it was his anger, not my own... you vented his feelings, not yours... oh shit... did i provoke a situation unnecessarily?... no...that’s not it... it wasn’t the confrontation, but where you came from in doing it... Finally i got it... it wasn’t the words or the actual argument or whether i should have done anything differently... it was where the energy for the confrontation came from.... i didn’t vent from MY heart... MY anger was still there... At least it was... not now...

19:00

The rift arose due to dysfunctional family communication. My dad doesn’t carry a chip on his shoulder... he’s got a wagon load! He’s lovely when he can see around them, but it’s unlikely we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve made peace with that... and with him at a higher level. My priority is to repair the communication issues that have been passed down from my grandparents & probably theirs... to my children & future generations. It stops here and won’t be re-lived in future life-times. Of that, I’m certain.

I offer my thanks... and blessings... to my father.... may his anger & misery dissolve...

Harmony?

2010-10-23T18:08:00.002+01:00

21st october, 21:38

A full moon in aries...

from this month the moon moves into a more harmonious

cycle of the full moon being in the same sign

as the previous new moon...

for 15 months of the reverse being true...

i found out at Into The Mystic
which led me to
The Aquarius Papers

I would say i started feeling

off balance with my moon times for a year or so,

so perhaps this has had some bearing.

I haven't been able to find any articles relating

astrology to pmt,

but i'm sure the planets have a bearing

on how we are affected.

Red Moon

2010-10-14T21:40:00.000+01:00

30th september, 22:47

i've been blissed out with energy levels zinging

then bam!

today, joints ache & everything's an effort.

check the calendar... uh-huh

red moon approaches!

23:16

everything i've done has incurred some mis-hap

dropped the dog lead... daft dog ran off...

dropped a blind i was putting back up...

broke the little trinket dish that was my grans...

blah, blah on it goes.

planned to write loads

but the crystal thoughts of what about

have turned to turn to foggy remnants.

inspiration has officially hidden behind a cloud.

i ache, i'm tired, but not for sleep.

roll on tomorrow.

Full Moon Anger!

2010-10-09T20:16:00.000+01:00

Moon-time misery has barely figured
apart from twice
when pmt occurred at full moon...

a few hours clouded by anger
an inexplicable rage
at what? i don't know
but i haven't had this before
a build up of pressure
like steam waiting to explode...
not like me.

22 september, 05:40

and of course it did.
explode.
and it went.
the red mist subsided
and everything softened

23 september, 05:58

but... a conversation with someone

mired in misery, depression & anger

who seeks my attention

but chooses not to be helped

he has exploded

towards others at work

a long time problem

of anger he can't contain

25 september, 06:23

clarity.

i think.

it is not the first time i have experienced

the pain, the feelings

of others

but usually i recognise what is not mine

as my body moves towards menopause

much is written about

mood swings & scattered emotions

perhaps this expectation clouded my view

i overlooked the signs

perhaps some of the emotional swings

are due to an increased sensitivity

which for me

seem to be at full or new moon

lessons to embrace

not fear

in order to don

the mantle of wise-woman

Moving on...

2010-08-22T00:51:00.001+01:00

Well... i've created a new space...

moondreamin'....

it's still a work in progress
with quite a bit yet to write to set the scene.

But it's a start.

I've taken some of the posts from here with me,

so everyone should feel at home.

If you'd like to pop over,

I'd be honoured to share your company.

Moon-time tara is staying here, in the back ground

for those times i need to retreat...

more of a private place

for when i need to unravel my muddles.

But of course you are welcome to stay...

in what for me,

has been and will continue to be

a gentle healing space.

In the meantime

i'll be sharing my photography & lunar musings,

hopefully a little more regularly as i go

moondreamin...

Moondreamin'...

2010-08-09T17:12:00.001+01:00

3rd august, 06:55

its been a dreamy moon for me...

moon-dreamin is good for the soul-

plenty of plans & goals dreams

mixed in with indulgent dreamy dreams...

if you know what i mean?

Entranced...

2010-08-04T17:07:00.000+01:00

28th july, 22:08

Still low, catching golden sun-rays
a momentary glimpse
'twixt horizon and cloud...

22:24

i wait as she climbs
clouds announcing her progress
with gold and silver luminosity...

22:49

i am entranced... captivated

by a show that could be

for my eyes only...

23:04

she dances between gauzy layers
of iridescent darkness
weaving her magic into the fabric...

23:14

a waltz of hide and reveal
and i watch and i sway and
i move to her rhythm...

23:17

a night of enchantment
my soul filled with light
i give thanks for her blessing

Growth of Ideas

2010-07-31T16:05:00.002+01:00

23 july, 23:24

As the moon grows, so do my ideas for another place...

as usual I have too many ideas to realistically work on!

But, I have learned that I don't need to act on every single one,

no matter how good I may think they are...

27 july, 22:41

Full moon and the idea is set... but I still have to refine

& consider some of the angles, the perspectives...

(as well as having time to 'play' with blogger templates)

I've also quite a few ideas to follow through with my work,

opportunities are opening up in many ways & the signs are there...

27 july, 22:43

I'm taking some time to look upon the patterns that are forming...

to see if they add or detract from what i'm already doing,

and where i want to go.

Perhaps i'll muse on things for a full cycle,

to consider, reflect & feel my way...

Moonlight Affective Disorder?

2010-07-23T12:18:00.002+01:00

21st july 21:39

The effects of low sunlight levels in winter (SAD)
are widely accepted

but what about lack of moonlight... MAD?

Perhaps that term is best kept for full moon when many
break through the barriers of control,

or perhaps dark moon when some withdraw too far,

or perhaps it suits those of us who miss her
in our unpredictable skies.

It may be reflected sunlight

but she diffuses it...

infuses it with her grace.

So many of our race has a form of

Moonlight Affective Disorder

no longer honouring the rhythms

that beat through the Universe.

But some of us just know...

we don't have to see her

we know...

A Glimpse...

2010-07-18T11:35:00.001+01:00

17th july 22:59

a glimpse of her light means so much

but still she sails in cloud

i soak up her rays & hold them dear

then offer them back to the world

Sailing Through Clouds

2010-07-17T11:17:00.001+01:00

I saw her two nights ago

for a few brief seconds.

i gazed at the clouds

looking in the direction i knew she was.

She appeared momentarily

then sailed into the clouds

taking her slender crescent smile with her.

16th july 21:47

last night she smiled a little longer

still sailing through clouds

as sometimes i do too

and together we rise above them...

they are a sea to sail

with a character of their own

but sometimes

all we want

is to sail free.

Musing...

2010-07-15T21:18:00.000+01:00

18th june, 22:08

Lately my moon-time misery has been non-existant. I think I have had one briefest thought a month that has made me wonder if i'm due on, or in hind-sight I've recognised the reason for some trifling impatience. Which is as it should be.... more like me.

But I miss writing here. I have plenty of ideas involving the moon & creativity, the way she affects us in general, or I could just post photographs. But for some reason I don't want to fill this place with other 'stuff'. It's a little sacred space away from the crowds where I can retreat when I feel the need. And of course anyone who happens by is welcome.

I have been musing over whether to start another 'tara' blog... one that i can feel more sociable with. I do write elsewhere too, and some may wonder why i would want another outlet. Whereas some manage to combine all aspects of their life successfully in one place, I've realised I feel better putting similar things together... it helps me focus, as well as acting like a form of filing system. I've a butterfly brain at times, flitting from flower to flower... resting on one for a while before moving on to taste another favourite nectar. Ideas are forming... we'll see.

28th june, 05:45

And just when it seems I have no pmt grumbles I had a bout of tearful unreasonableness. Winding myself up to believe that my man 'expects' me to be a certain type of person... in reality he does nothing but encourage me to be 'me', he really can not understand anyone pretending to be something else, and would be hurt & angry to think I felt that way. Where did all that come from? A day of biting my tongue & fighting back tears, knowing I was being waspish but unable to stop my self. I can't talk about it at the time without feeling even more badly done-to and going into attack mode. Luckily, we both know me, so no damage was done... but I don't like the feeling... it doesn't really feel like a natural part of me. It's like something else drives me.

That was last week... it dawned on me that it was coming up to dark moon... again... I really must be ready for it next time. If the pattern repeats I could be quite touchy the next couple of months. Hopefully I can be ready to look at the issues that may arise. I don't believe that it is a given that women should suffer like this, but I am curious about what drives these emotions. I have my theories... genetics, culture, patriarchal society, diet... these are pretty well accepted... and I want to look deeper at the astrological aspect, especially as I move towards menopause. This article 'the astrology of menopause' caught my attention Interesting times ahead!

Solstice Moon

2010-06-23T13:14:00.001+01:00

20th june

21st june

22nd june

May Thoughts

2010-05-31T00:33:00.002+01:00

17 may, 22:48

It seems that when I have had the inclination to post,

I have not had the time.

When I have had the time I have not had the inclination.

I've thought about it a lot... but not put thought into action.

I have written, but not completed my train of thought...

23 may, 22:02

I've spoken to a few people

who i have not contacted for a while...

each one has semi rebuked me for not being in touch.

Err... excuse me, am I the only one with a phone?

Isn't communication a two-way thing?

So why is it just me who hasn't rung?

28 may, 23:22

I haven't wanted to, perhaps they sense this... perhaps.

They are people I have been close to over the years,

but the relationship generally consists of

them talking & me listening,

though they would not recognise it as such.

They are lovely people. They could do with my support.

But I put off phoning because I know

I need at least an hour (or two) to listen...

It has become something I ought to do, rather than want to do.

For a long time I have not been fulfilled

by merely being supportive.

Friendship is a two-way thing...

28 may 23:58

If they were boyfriends I'd end it saying 'It's not you, it's me'

After all, it is me that's changed not them...

but it's different with friends.

Perhaps this annoyance was a pmt thing...

Maybe we can re-balance or maybe we have run our course,

time will tell....

April Thoughts

2010-05-30T23:29:00.001+01:00

25 april

Full moon approaches

insights move in & out of focus

different perspectives emerge

I've been back in my 'home' area for 18 months & i've barely seen anyone I know from my previous life... recently I keep catching sight of people or bumping into them, people from years ago... I've wondered if these are hints to reconnect... or are there lessons to learn.... or things still to let go.

Maybe I am now more open... maybe i have hidden myself...

Circumstances removed me from circulation... took me away from everyone & everything I once knew. I needed 'time off'... chance to re-group & re-assess. I've grown my inner Self... my connection to Nature, to Spirit, to the Web of Life. Although I feel so very much more connected, at the same time I feel apart from much that goes on. Life is much simpler now. I like it like this. Maybe seeing these people is a reminder, a confirmation of how far i have moved on...

[for some reason i wrote this & never came back to post it, no doubt i had some major point i wanted to add which now eludes me!]

Beltaine Approaches

2010-04-30T22:36:00.000+01:00

28th april, 22:15

the fire-festival approaches

and She reflects the fiery sunset

that has sunk from the sky

28th april, 22:23

Hide & Reveal

2010-04-29T17:11:00.000+01:00

25th april, 20:23

sometimes i wonder

whether to reveal myself

to be seen without hiding my identity

i mean, pretty much all of the time

i am comfortable

with who i am and what i feel

26th april, 20:45

but perhaps some obscurity is wise

just because i don't have that feeling of unreason

doesn't mean it won't come back again

then where would i turn?

in those moments of angst it is better

to spare those nearest from my shadows,

until i can cast some light on them myself

it isn't black and white

reason and unreason, shadow and light

the mystery of me

the moon, la luna, selene

we all know who she is

no matter how much of herself she reveals

i think anyone who knows me who stumbles on this space,

may realise who i am,

and that is fine

(especially as i sometimes forget to log out

when i travel the blogosphere!)

and if my dearest find me, i hope you'll understand

27th april, 21:50

so i dress myself in shadows

to reveal more, not to hide

it's mystery, not deception

hiding in plain sight

2010-04-25T14:48:00.001+01:00

24 april, 20:29

All is clear in my sky, no unreason,

but no great motivation either

24 april, 21:41

Catchin' Clouds

2010-04-24T14:45:00.000+01:00

23 april, 21:26

shadowy thoughts race past my mind

memories

whispers of something

but what?

like peripheral vision

i know they're there

i see them, feel them

but details, meaning, elude me.

does that matter?

am I snatching at something

not meant to be caught?

does the moon try to catch the clouds?

Does someone come out every night

to watch me?

and marvel at my changing expression?

and try to capture the image of clouds

that race across my face?

and wonder if i even know they're there?

2010-04-23T11:14:00.000+01:00

21st april, 20:33

headache

wave of pain

cold sweat

It would be so easy to curl up, not move, indulging the pain & encourage misery... so easy. Instead I walk... out in the air, up to the little wood, seeking solace in the arms of nature. I didn't notice it stop. But breathing fresh air & looking at the hedges & sky, listening to birds.... it went... as quickly as the moon darts from behind a cloud. How much of it is self-created? How much is what we are conditioned to expect?

Yesterday was a headachey day.... I'm not used to headaches, rarely get them... but a couple of of times lately they have preceded my period. I never had them as a teenager, but I distinctly remember a friend telling me that she always had them during her periods. Guess what? I had a couple of months with headaches. I remember thinking then, that I hadn't had them until I'd heard about someone else. That was the first time I became aware of my body being open to suggestion, I think. A glimpse of awareness. I never had them again. Still had stomach cramps though until I went on the pill!

For a long time I have never known which will be the day I start... it comes when it comes. I know i have vocalised the thought that it might be good to have some warning... also, friends have been talking about 'the change' & how they are affected. Have i just been picking up their suggestions? Have I given my body permission to afflict me with headaches to warn me? Lets see how this awareness goes...

21st april, 21:31

same moon, an hour later

different focus

same woman, an hour later

pain vanished

How much of this is how we look at things

& adjust our focus of what is there?

Dark Moon Down-time

2010-04-19T13:07:00.001+01:00

saturday, 17th april, 21:54

A dark moon of inactivity this month... just aimless, couldn't-be-botheredness apart from essential stuff. But now She is back in my sky and energies have shifted... The new moon was wednesday 14th april which coincided with my mental lethargy!

Dance With The Moon

2010-04-01T23:06:00.001+01:00

1st March 22:26

(my camera is broken so 'fraid no current moon pic)

Barely a murmur, barely a flicker of unreason... slightly grouchy a couple of weeks ago, but horrible stomach cramps & backache to accompany my ‘red-moon’ for a day on monday. Maybe it’s a bit of a trade-off, but in general I don’t fare too badly. I’ve noticed this past year I get more pain... similar to my teenage years, but on a shorter scale. I’ve also been having a day or two of much heavier blood-flow than usual... I think my body is having a final fling as my hormone levels change and I move towards menopause.
Peri-menopause is the official name for the stage before periods stop, but where very real menopausal symptoms show there face. For some women, this can last years. I am 46, nearly 47. My mum began going through ‘the change’ at this age... she was not amused as it was about 57 for her mother! I can check off many of the "34 symptoms of menopause" (on the page at the top), so I reckon things are moving that way.
I wondered whether it helped that i thought about being more grounded... maybe, but last friday I was out late... the sky was clear & still, the moon waxing, nearly full. I leaned against a lone oak tree, one broken branch still attached, curled round me, the moon looking down through the branches.
With moonlight on my face, I felt totally safe, wrapped in the arms of the oak tree. We all smiled in contentment. I thought about feeling grounded through the roots of the oak, but instantaneously I also felt the moon connection. Mooned? Lunared? What name would you give it? The equivalent to grounding, being earthed? Tuned to the moon I heard or rather felt...
It’s the moon connection. Being in tune with the rhythms. Of ebb and flow. Of tides of your body. Dance with the moon.
And I did. Held in the arms of the oak I danced with the moon. It's something I often do, but perhaps these last few months I haven't. Maybe that has something to do with the pmt stuff? But this month I've been fine.