Thursday, 14 June 2012

Reasons for PMT?

It is so long since i have had any pmt issues, this last dose caught me totally by surprise.... how i didn't realise, i don't know. I spent a couple of days worrying about what i'd said, how i'd handled an issue with my son & feeling totally crap about it. Then i woke up & i wasn't worried. And when i spoke to people i hadn't actually been out of order at all... and not as bad as i thought... just said a few things that needed saying.

9th january 2012, 08:35

So why the worry? why the moon-time fragility? Betrayal... that was the feeling that was swimming in my head. I felt like i'd betrayed both my kids somehow. It was also the feeling that accosted me when i first felt this moon-time misery at the start of this blog a couple of years ago, again involving my son & my reactions. I am absolutely certain that issues raised under the guise of pmt are things that need looking at... things buried that raise to the surface as the moon & our hormones create the conditions... uncomfortable things that are easier to dismiss as irrational, hormonal, mood-swings that women have to cope with. And because we don't like to admit they have a valid source, we usually bury them again and again, only for them to re-surface time & time again as 'symptoms of pre-menstrual tension'.

10th january 2012, 20:40

So many women suffer recurring themes of bitterness, resentment, anger and such like on a monthly basis... constantly looking to relieve or avert this 'syndrome' which is viewed as a weakness... an illness of sorts. At best it is an worst it can destroy people & relationships. But what if we took those 'irrational' emotions and looked at where they originated... truly looked, and truly accepted that, however uncomfortable they have roots somewhere buried inside. Maybe the pmt is an exaggeration, but it is some hurt literally screaming to get attention... crying out for healing. It may not even be a big hurt, but being buried, it festers & grows...

19th january 2012, 08:43

And so... this betrayal that bounces back & forth between my son & i. He left home when he was 14 to live with his dad.... although i would have preferred him to stay with me, I could understand his desire to be a man in a mans' household. I didn't object & gave my blessing, but when the time approached he kicked up a  massive argument & 'ran away' to his dads. Then he came back & went through the whole thing again, but this time went to my brothers. I was already alienated from my family and this gave them the means to 'score points' off me using my son. They were insiduous & undermining... i never saw him for 5 years apart from now & again, usually when he wanted something or couldn't get his way with his dad, grandad or uncle.

 28th january 2012, 23:42

I definitely felt betrayed by my family... not one encouraged him to come back or make peace. I felt they all betrayed my son.... he pretty much did what he liked, lacking direction & discipline. What i never realised until now, is that i felt betrayed by my son too. He left me, who had tried my hardest to provide a stable, consistent & fair upbringing... to go to his dad who had not contributed financially, who had the children regularly but it was his mother who actually looked after them, who gave no support in any form.... yes, i realise i felt betrayed... whenever i phoned he was 'busy' with my brother or his father.... he never saw my tears....

8th march 2012, 21:45

And my son? I sense that feeling of being betrayed from him too... the divorce... not fighting harder to get him back from his dad or stopping him go... meeting my partner.... and now finding out about certain things he has been up to. Much healing needed. We'll work on it.

 11th january 2012, 08:35

i've just noticed that the time each photo i chose
 was taken the minutes were between 35 ~ 45 
even to on different dates. 

i often find that the times of photos in a post 
contain similar numbers!

Friday, 8 June 2012

Discomfort, Disappointment &.... Betrayal

 5th may

My family, long distant, have been tugging at the peripheries of my life. Not because they want to build bridges or because they care, but because they want a leader while my father is ill. I am not prepared to step into this role. I have given some advice & some comfort where appropriate, but they can stay on the edges. That was last month.

 8th march

This month, rumblings of discontent regarding my son have come to a head. And i have not handled it well. Not at all. I have caused trouble, albeit inadvertently. For some reason i reverted to a pattern i have followed before & thought i was past doing.... i have let myself down & feel hurt.... i have hurt both my children. not badly, but hurt. betrayed a trust. Tears prick my eyes & i'm trying to work out why i hurt so much over this.... much more than any damage caused. What pain have i held onto that is re-enacting now?

10th march

there is a similarity to the feeling i had after confronting my father so many years ago. my son needed confronting, but i did not need to go in hard or lose my temper. i did both. firmness & persistence went out of the window, my usual understanding & withholding judgement didn't show up at all. out of character.

of course my partner & i had been discussing what action was necessary. i did stand back & assess my own feelings.... i have learned that i easily act on other people's energy... i thought i was sure of myself, but apparently not. it's not that i fired the bullets he gave me, that bothers me, so much as the way i did it.

 8th march

i feel shame. hurt. let down... by myself. and sick that i have acted this way to my children. and as before, my reaction is much greater than is warranted. every time i delve into my feelings, the tears come. i know they are releasing the hurt, i know they help to cleanse & heal. but what am i healing? it's something deeper than simply over-reacting or losing my temper. betrayal springs to mind...

23rd may

i find myself wondering how many times in my life i have acted on the energy or ambitions of others. as i wonder, i know it is something i have worked through before & know i'm thinking with my mind not my heart... this is not the source of my discomfort. I should have let a day pass before talking to my son... to go within and feel the course of action to take, instead of reacting emotionally. i need to do that now. to feel the source... to direct healing energy there... to understand why this pattern has repeated now....

 3rd june

betrayal swirls around & brings the tears.... who by? me? am i perpetrating a similar betrayal on my children as i received from my parents? that makes me feel worse. its near the mark. and i should know better... i, who help others to heal through generations.... shame... hurt.... because i'm passing it on. i've said the words that this goes no further, but still i do... before i can help them i need to help myself... to go back to where this started and heal some more...

15th february