Friday, 26 February 2010

Foreign Land

I'm in a strange place at the moment. Emotional jelly. Disproportionately hurt. For no reason... well there are reasons, but they're not anything to justify this reaction. I know that, but I can't seem to help it. I'm trying to un-peel the layers, to look below the surface & see what icy shards of former hurt remain unmelted. Unhealed.

I know I'm pre-menstrual... usually just knowing this helps me re-calibrate my thinking. But the last few months I've seen evidence of a woman I don't know. Or like. Most people wouldn't notice, but those closest to me do. Or soon will if I don't get a handle on this. So far no lasting damage has been done, but I'm in danger of hurting & alienating someone soon. If I haven't already. I'm displaying characteristics of both my grandmothers that I once resented. I don't want my children & future grandchildren to resent or fear the way I react to what they say or do.

Maybe that is part of the answer... Buried resentment? Forgotten fears? Latent hurt at unintentional (or maybe intentional) reactions from my grandmothers? Or is it just an age thing? I'm 46. Nearly 47. Not old, as my grandparents seemed to me. I'm still younger than they were when I knew them. I don't know if they were always like that, or when it started. But, I'm technically in middle age. Is this my mid-life crisis? The onset of menopause? Are my juices of rationality & compassion drying up? Am I eventually going to shrivel into a bitter, hurtful prune of an old woman? Speaking with the brittle voice of a withered leaf?

I'm in unfamiliar territory. I feel like an uncertain teenager battling emotional uncertainty, but without the naive confidence I had in my youth. Not that I was particularly confident, but I didn't question how I acted or why I felt a particular way.... I don't think. Maybe I've just forgotten.

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