Beltaine Approaches

28th april, 22:15

the fire-festival approaches

and She reflects the fiery sunset

that has sunk from the sky

28th april, 22:23

Hide & Reveal

25th april, 20:23

sometimes i wonder

whether to reveal myself

to be seen without hiding my identity

 i mean, pretty much all of the time

 i am comfortable 

with who i am and what i feel

26th april, 20:45

but perhaps some obscurity is wise

just because i don't have that feeling of unreason

doesn't mean it won't come back again

then where would i turn?

in those moments of angst it is better

to spare those nearest from my shadows, 

until i can cast some light on them myself

it isn't black and white

reason and unreason, shadow and light

the mystery of me 

the moon, la luna, selene

we all know who she is

no matter how much of herself she reveals

i think anyone who knows me who stumbles on this space,

may realise who i am, 

and that is fine

(especially as i sometimes forget to log out

when i travel the blogosphere!)

and if my dearest find me, i hope you'll understand

27th april, 21:50

so i dress myself in shadows

 to reveal more, not to hide

it's mystery, not deception

hiding in plain sight

 24 april, 20:29

All is clear in my sky, no unreason,

but no great motivation either 

 24 april, 21:41

Catchin' Clouds

23 april, 21:26

shadowy thoughts race past my mind

memories

whispers of something

but what?

like peripheral vision

i know they're there

i see them, feel them

but details, meaning, elude me.

does that matter?

am I snatching at something

not meant to be caught?

does the moon try to catch the clouds?

Does someone come out every night 

to watch me?

and marvel at my changing expression?

and try to capture the image of clouds

that race across my face?

and wonder if i even know they're there?

21st april, 20:33

headache

wave of pain

cold sweat

It would be so easy to curl up, not move, indulging the pain &  encourage misery... so easy. Instead I walk... out in the air, up to the little wood, seeking solace in the arms of nature. I didn't notice it stop. But breathing fresh air & looking at the hedges & sky, listening to birds.... it went... as quickly as the moon darts from behind a cloud. How much of it is self-created? How much is what we are conditioned to expect?

Yesterday was a headachey day.... I'm not used to headaches, rarely get them... but a couple of of times lately they have preceded my period. I never had them as a teenager, but I distinctly remember a friend telling me that she always had them during her periods. Guess what? I had a couple of months with headaches. I remember thinking then, that I hadn't had them until I'd heard about someone else. That was the first time I became aware of my body being open to suggestion, I think. A glimpse of awareness. I never had them again. Still had stomach cramps though until I went on the pill!

For a long time I have never known which will be the day I start... it comes when it comes. I know i have vocalised the thought that it might be good to have some warning... also, friends have been talking about 'the change' & how they are affected. Have i just been picking up their suggestions? Have I given my body permission to afflict me with headaches to warn me? Lets see how this awareness goes... 

  21st april, 21:31

same moon, an hour later

different focus

same woman, an hour later

pain vanished

How much of this is how we look at things

& adjust our focus of what is there?

Dark Moon Down-time

saturday, 17th april, 21:54

A dark moon of inactivity this month... just aimless, couldn't-be-botheredness apart from essential stuff. But now She is back in my sky and energies have shifted... The new moon was wednesday 14th april which coincided with my mental lethargy!

Dance With The Moon

1st March 22:26

 (my camera is broken so 'fraid no current moon pic)

Barely a murmur, barely a flicker of unreason... slightly grouchy a couple of weeks ago, but horrible stomach cramps & backache to accompany my ‘red-moon’ for a day on monday. Maybe it’s a bit of a trade-off, but in general I don’t fare too badly. I’ve noticed this past year I get more pain... similar to my teenage years, but on a shorter scale. I’ve also been having a day or two of much heavier blood-flow than usual... I think my body is having a final fling as my hormone levels change and I move towards menopause.

Peri-menopause is the official name for the stage before periods stop, but where very real menopausal symptoms show there face. For some women, this can last years. I am 46, nearly 47. My mum began going through ‘the change’ at this age... she was not amused as it was about 57 for her mother! I can check off many of the "34 symptoms of menopause" (on the page at the top), so I reckon things are moving that way. 

I wondered whether it helped that i thought about being more grounded... maybe, but last friday I was out late... the sky was clear & still, the moon waxing, nearly full. I leaned against a lone oak tree, one broken branch still attached, curled round me, the moon looking down through the branches.

With moonlight on my face, I felt totally safe, wrapped in the arms of the oak tree. We all smiled in contentment. I thought about feeling grounded through the roots of the oak, but instantaneously I also felt the moon connection. Mooned? Lunared? What name would you give it? The equivalent to grounding, being earthed? Tuned to the moon I heard or rather felt...

It’s the moon connection. Being in tune with the rhythms. Of ebb and flow. Of tides of your body. Dance with the moon.

And I did. Held in the arms of the oak I danced with the moon. It's something I often do, but perhaps these last few months I haven't. Maybe that has something to do with the pmt stuff? But this month I've been fine.