Discomfort, Disappointment &.... Betrayal

 5th may

My family, long distant, have been tugging at the peripheries of my life. Not because they want to build bridges or because they care, but because they want a leader while my father is ill. I am not prepared to step into this role. I have given some advice & some comfort where appropriate, but they can stay on the edges. That was last month.

 8th march

This month, rumblings of discontent regarding my son have come to a head. And i have not handled it well. Not at all. I have caused trouble, albeit inadvertently. For some reason i reverted to a pattern i have followed before & thought i was past doing.... i have let myself down & feel hurt.... i have hurt both my children. not badly, but hurt. betrayed a trust. Tears prick my eyes & i'm trying to work out why i hurt so much over this.... much more than any damage caused. What pain have i held onto that is re-enacting now?

10th march

there is a similarity to the feeling i had after confronting my father so many years ago. my son needed confronting, but i did not need to go in hard or lose my temper. i did both. firmness & persistence went out of the window, my usual understanding & withholding judgement didn't show up at all. out of character.

of course my partner & i had been discussing what action was necessary. i did stand back & assess my own feelings.... i have learned that i easily act on other people's energy... i thought i was sure of myself, but apparently not. it's not that i fired the bullets he gave me, that bothers me, so much as the way i did it.

 8th march

i feel shame. hurt. let down... by myself. and sick that i have acted this way to my children. and as before, my reaction is much greater than is warranted. every time i delve into my feelings, the tears come. i know they are releasing the hurt, i know they help to cleanse & heal. but what am i healing? it's something deeper than simply over-reacting or losing my temper. betrayal springs to mind...

23rd may

i find myself wondering how many times in my life i have acted on the energy or ambitions of others. as i wonder, i know it is something i have worked through before & know i'm thinking with my mind not my heart... this is not the source of my discomfort. I should have let a day pass before talking to my son... to go within and feel the course of action to take, instead of reacting emotionally. i need to do that now. to feel the source... to direct healing energy there... to understand why this pattern has repeated now....

 3rd june

betrayal swirls around & brings the tears.... who by? me? am i perpetrating a similar betrayal on my children as i received from my parents? that makes me feel worse. its near the mark. and i should know better... i, who help others to heal through generations.... shame... hurt.... because i'm passing it on. i've said the words that this goes no further, but still i do... before i can help them i need to help myself... to go back to where this started and heal some more...

15th february