My family, long distant, have been tugging at the peripheries of my life. Not because they want to build bridges or because they care, but because they want a leader while my father is ill. I am not prepared to step into this role. I have given some advice & some comfort where appropriate, but they can stay on the edges. That was last month.
This month, rumblings of discontent regarding my son have come to a head. And i have not handled it well. Not at all. I have caused trouble, albeit inadvertently. For some reason i reverted to a pattern i have followed before & thought i was past doing.... i have let myself down & feel hurt.... i have hurt both my children. not badly, but hurt. betrayed a trust. Tears prick my eyes & i'm trying to work out why i hurt so much over this.... much more than any damage caused. What pain have i held onto that is re-enacting now?
there is a similarity to the feeling i had after confronting my father so many years ago. my son needed confronting, but i did not need to go in hard or lose my temper. i did both. firmness & persistence went out of the window, my usual understanding & withholding judgement didn't show up at all. out of character.
of course my partner & i had been discussing what action was necessary. i did stand back & assess my own feelings.... i have learned that i easily act on other people's energy... i thought i was sure of myself, but apparently not. it's not that i fired the bullets he gave me, that bothers me, so much as the way i did it.
i feel shame. hurt. let down... by myself. and sick that i have acted this way to my children. and as before, my reaction is much greater than is warranted. every time i delve into my feelings, the tears come. i know they are releasing the hurt, i know they help to cleanse & heal. but what am i healing? it's something deeper than simply over-reacting or losing my temper. betrayal springs to mind...
i find myself wondering how many times in my life i have acted on the energy or ambitions of others. as i wonder, i know it is something i have worked through before & know i'm thinking with my mind not my heart... this is not the source of my discomfort. I should have let a day pass before talking to my son... to go within and feel the course of action to take, instead of reacting emotionally. i need to do that now. to feel the source... to direct healing energy there... to understand why this pattern has repeated now....
betrayal swirls around & brings the tears.... who by? me? am i perpetrating a similar betrayal on my children as i received from my parents? that makes me feel worse. its near the mark. and i should know better... i, who help others to heal through generations.... shame... hurt.... because i'm passing it on. i've said the words that this goes no further, but still i do... before i can help them i need to help myself... to go back to where this started and heal some more...