Beltaine Approaches

28th april, 22:15

the fire-festival approaches

and She reflects the fiery sunset

that has sunk from the sky

28th april, 22:23

Hide & Reveal

25th april, 20:23

sometimes i wonder

whether to reveal myself

to be seen without hiding my identity

 i mean, pretty much all of the time

 i am comfortable 

with who i am and what i feel

26th april, 20:45

but perhaps some obscurity is wise

just because i don't have that feeling of unreason

doesn't mean it won't come back again

then where would i turn?

in those moments of angst it is better

to spare those nearest from my shadows, 

until i can cast some light on them myself

it isn't black and white

reason and unreason, shadow and light

the mystery of me 

the moon, la luna, selene

we all know who she is

no matter how much of herself she reveals

i think anyone who knows me who stumbles on this space,

may realise who i am, 

and that is fine

(especially as i sometimes forget to log out

when i travel the blogosphere!)

and if my dearest find me, i hope you'll understand

27th april, 21:50

so i dress myself in shadows

 to reveal more, not to hide

it's mystery, not deception

hiding in plain sight

 24 april, 20:29

All is clear in my sky, no unreason,

but no great motivation either 

 24 april, 21:41

Catchin' Clouds

23 april, 21:26

shadowy thoughts race past my mind

memories

whispers of something

but what?

like peripheral vision

i know they're there

i see them, feel them

but details, meaning, elude me.

does that matter?

am I snatching at something

not meant to be caught?

does the moon try to catch the clouds?

Does someone come out every night 

to watch me?

and marvel at my changing expression?

and try to capture the image of clouds

that race across my face?

and wonder if i even know they're there?

21st april, 20:33

headache

wave of pain

cold sweat

It would be so easy to curl up, not move, indulging the pain &  encourage misery... so easy. Instead I walk... out in the air, up to the little wood, seeking solace in the arms of nature. I didn't notice it stop. But breathing fresh air & looking at the hedges & sky, listening to birds.... it went... as quickly as the moon darts from behind a cloud. How much of it is self-created? How much is what we are conditioned to expect?

Yesterday was a headachey day.... I'm not used to headaches, rarely get them... but a couple of of times lately they have preceded my period. I never had them as a teenager, but I distinctly remember a friend telling me that she always had them during her periods. Guess what? I had a couple of months with headaches. I remember thinking then, that I hadn't had them until I'd heard about someone else. That was the first time I became aware of my body being open to suggestion, I think. A glimpse of awareness. I never had them again. Still had stomach cramps though until I went on the pill!

For a long time I have never known which will be the day I start... it comes when it comes. I know i have vocalised the thought that it might be good to have some warning... also, friends have been talking about 'the change' & how they are affected. Have i just been picking up their suggestions? Have I given my body permission to afflict me with headaches to warn me? Lets see how this awareness goes... 

  21st april, 21:31

same moon, an hour later

different focus

same woman, an hour later

pain vanished

How much of this is how we look at things

& adjust our focus of what is there?

Dark Moon Down-time

saturday, 17th april, 21:54

A dark moon of inactivity this month... just aimless, couldn't-be-botheredness apart from essential stuff. But now She is back in my sky and energies have shifted... The new moon was wednesday 14th april which coincided with my mental lethargy!

Dance With The Moon

1st March 22:26

 (my camera is broken so 'fraid no current moon pic)

Barely a murmur, barely a flicker of unreason... slightly grouchy a couple of weeks ago, but horrible stomach cramps & backache to accompany my ‘red-moon’ for a day on monday. Maybe it’s a bit of a trade-off, but in general I don’t fare too badly. I’ve noticed this past year I get more pain... similar to my teenage years, but on a shorter scale. I’ve also been having a day or two of much heavier blood-flow than usual... I think my body is having a final fling as my hormone levels change and I move towards menopause.

Peri-menopause is the official name for the stage before periods stop, but where very real menopausal symptoms show there face. For some women, this can last years. I am 46, nearly 47. My mum began going through ‘the change’ at this age... she was not amused as it was about 57 for her mother! I can check off many of the "34 symptoms of menopause" (on the page at the top), so I reckon things are moving that way. 

I wondered whether it helped that i thought about being more grounded... maybe, but last friday I was out late... the sky was clear & still, the moon waxing, nearly full. I leaned against a lone oak tree, one broken branch still attached, curled round me, the moon looking down through the branches.

With moonlight on my face, I felt totally safe, wrapped in the arms of the oak tree. We all smiled in contentment. I thought about feeling grounded through the roots of the oak, but instantaneously I also felt the moon connection. Mooned? Lunared? What name would you give it? The equivalent to grounding, being earthed? Tuned to the moon I heard or rather felt...

It’s the moon connection. Being in tune with the rhythms. Of ebb and flow. Of tides of your body. Dance with the moon.

And I did. Held in the arms of the oak I danced with the moon. It's something I often do, but perhaps these last few months I haven't. Maybe that has something to do with the pmt stuff? But this month I've been fine.

Insights on a New Moon

cloudy nights since new moon

cloudy thoughts.... not bad

just not perceiving the messages i know are there

20th March, 22:48

first sighting since dark moon

first clear night.... also

some tentative insight

21st March, 22:32

I'm sure the things that hurl themselves to the forefront of our consciousness at our moontime, however unreasonable/irrational/unconnected they may seem afterwards, relate to issues in our past that need healing. If we recognise this, our moontime gives the opportunity for deep healing.

Just sitting quietly... maybe lighting a candle, maybe out in the moonlight... sending loving healing energy through the ethers... back along the web of life, back along the strands of time... back to where these feelings arise. We don't have to know when or where or what caused these feelings. Just the intention that healing go back to where it started helps.... gradually dissolving the clouds of unreason, hurt, doubt.... Be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself... take time for yourself, your past self, past generations of women in your family line.

A couple of weeks ago i wrote

 "I'm displaying characteristics of both my grandmothers that I once resented. I don't want my children & future grandchildren to resent or fear the way I react to what they say or do.

Maybe that is part of the answer... Buried resentment? Forgotten fears? Latent hurt at unintentional (or maybe intentional) reactions from my grandmothers?"

The fact that I mentioned my grandmothers in my "unreason" keeps floating into my mind. There is a connection there, something to intuit from this that i am only just beginning to grasp... still more to see.

We carry the dna of our grandmothers, and they of theirs... memories of past emotions carried forward through the generations... the healing i weave back through time must also travel to my children & forward to theirs, yet unconceived...

There are also issues from my life... i find myself remembering unreasonable outbursts, opinions, reactions from my parents & grandparents towards me as a child  (in my opinion back then!) Just snapshots of scenes & remember the hurt or confusion I felt then... I let the healing flow, not to change, but to repair the scratches & scars to my child-self's vulnerable  emotional system... and to my children...

I also see flashes of times i have caused hurt... to my mother, to my children.... let the healing flow...

 11th march, 07:18

Dark moon approaches, a time for introspection

Sink into the darkness, a time for deep reflection

Consumed the statutory bar of chocolate last night.... a large huge one. That time draws near, maybe another week, probably less. I vary. Perhaps being aware & on my guard will help. No more chocolate now that i've realised (at least that's my theory). I'm better if I don't eat it at all, but knowing that doesn't stop me, reason doesn't always enter into it. 

she wanes.... dissolving pain & anxiety

Being Grounded (or not, as the case may be)

It's incredibly hard to even explain my feelings of last weekend now... the things that bothered me seem petty & trivial somehow. I intended writing a little about the things that cropped up over the last 3 or 4 months, but there's no way I can recall that mindset now. Which is good, I think, but there are issues i need, want, to follow up and ensure they are dissolved.

she hides... light diffused by cloud and tree
hurt, unreason diffused
create new patterns of energy

Some years ago I went through a similar phase of moon-time madness. At that point I had recently discovered my ability to 'connect' with energy, and was frequently tripping off in my mind to other worlds. My head was in the stars & my pmt focussed on my partner... for a couple of days I'd be working out our break-up & as quickly as the feeling arrived, it vanished. During one episode, a friend & Reiki Master mentioned I seemed spacey & suggested I needed to ground myself... bingo!

Consciously grounding myself when the feelings began to arise worked, and I learned to catch myself sooner each time. I wonder if that is what is needed now? I think so. I should know this.... but we shall see what happens. If so, this account may grind to a halt before it's barely got underway, lol.

she glows...

Different Woman

It's exact full moon this morning. I woke up feeling great... normal. Happy. Genuinely happy for them. I can't recognise the person I've been. Desperate to talk to them & apologise, explain.... but it's hard without sounding like I'm making excuses. But we have spoken... we'll talk some more. It's ok. Life's good. I have a good relationship with my son... & his girlfriend. I'm blessed. But my sister did do it deliberately, I'm sure, whatever she says. Her problem. Oh, and it wasn't mums ring... why would I ever think he'd do that without talking to me?

she smiles...

Betrayal

That's what it felt like. It isn't. But I've been crying on and off all day. I'm out of order. Last night my son proposed to his girlfriend. No big surprise. He's been asking about Mum's engagement ring, which my sister has. But the text came from my sister.... a blurry snap of a ring on a finger, then "ha ha we know something you don't"... "do you prefer gran or nan?"


tell me in a couple of days... i'll laugh... i'll know it's a joke.... he told me she's definitely not pregnant.... he told me she wants a ring on her finger but he laughed it off.... 


She knew before me. If it's mum's ring it's been planned & he's told her but not me. 5 minutes, 10, 15... he still hasn't rung me. Half an hour later I can't keep my voice under control, I can't put on a happy, congratulatory tone. I'm terse, confused. Why can't I be nice, it's a special night for them. Why do I feel like this? Shrew. Querellous cow-bag.

They're all away on a weekend together, of course she'll know... no big deal, it's not like I didn't have an inkling...but if he's asked her to bring mums ring... I don't even think it is her ring, just similar... they'll ring her parents first, obviously....but what if they already know.... Surely sister knows he hasn't told me yet, why didn't she wait.... tell him to give me a call... why steal his thunder... what if he told her to tell me?


What if? What if? What if? That's the way to madness. Jealous, spiteful cow tara, stop doing this to your self. Stop acting like a victim when no one's done anything to you.

The fact is, my sister likes being the one who people confide in. The one they trust. She ingratiates herself. Never confrontational, always supportive, always says what you want to hear, never questions to your face. She likes to let you know that she's been confided in, that 'they' came to her. She needs to be needed. I know this. It doesn't usually bother me. She's done this deliberately, she knows i'm sensitive about my relationship with my son.


In the past my family have deliberately undermined my relationship with my son & she has revelled in being the one who can tell me what he is doing. That is in the past. Our relationship is good now. Or is it? Stop it tara. stop it now. you don't know how things have unfolded. It's not about you.


But as the day has gone on, all I can think is how I must have spoiled their night, put a damper on their joy. They won't know of any reason I could not be happy for them. There isn't one. Oh, how do I sort this one out?

Foreign Land

I'm in a strange place at the moment. Emotional jelly. Disproportionately hurt. For no reason... well there are reasons, but they're not anything to justify this reaction. I know that, but I can't seem to help it. I'm trying to un-peel the layers, to look below the surface & see what icy shards of former hurt remain unmelted. Unhealed.

I know I'm pre-menstrual... usually just knowing this helps me re-calibrate my thinking. But the last few months I've seen evidence of a woman I don't know. Or like. Most people wouldn't notice, but those closest to me do. Or soon will if I don't get a handle on this. So far no lasting damage has been done, but I'm in danger of hurting & alienating someone soon. If I haven't already. I'm displaying characteristics of both my grandmothers that I once resented. I don't want my children & future grandchildren to resent or fear the way I react to what they say or do.

Maybe that is part of the answer... Buried resentment? Forgotten fears? Latent hurt at unintentional (or maybe intentional) reactions from my grandmothers? Or is it just an age thing? I'm 46. Nearly 47. Not old, as my grandparents seemed to me. I'm still younger than they were when I knew them. I don't know if they were always like that, or when it started. But, I'm technically in middle age. Is this my mid-life crisis? The onset of menopause? Are my juices of rationality & compassion drying up? Am I eventually going to shrivel into a bitter, hurtful prune of an old woman? Speaking with the brittle voice of a withered leaf?

I'm in unfamiliar territory. I feel like an uncertain teenager battling emotional uncertainty, but without the naive confidence I had in my youth. Not that I was particularly confident, but I didn't question how I acted or why I felt a particular way.... I don't think. Maybe I've just forgotten.