Reasons for PMT?

It is so long since i have had any pmt issues, this last dose caught me totally by surprise.... how i didn't realise, i don't know. I spent a couple of days worrying about what i'd said, how i'd handled an issue with my son & feeling totally crap about it. Then i woke up & i wasn't worried. And when i spoke to people i hadn't actually been out of order at all... and not as bad as i thought... just said a few things that needed saying.

9th january 2012, 08:35

So why the worry? why the moon-time fragility? Betrayal... that was the feeling that was swimming in my head. I felt like i'd betrayed both my kids somehow. It was also the feeling that accosted me when i first felt this moon-time misery at the start of this blog a couple of years ago, again involving my son & my reactions. I am absolutely certain that issues raised under the guise of pmt are things that need looking at... things buried that raise to the surface as the moon & our hormones create the conditions... uncomfortable things that are easier to dismiss as irrational, hormonal, mood-swings that women have to cope with. And because we don't like to admit they have a valid source, we usually bury them again and again, only for them to re-surface time & time again as 'symptoms of pre-menstrual tension'.

10th january 2012, 20:40

So many women suffer recurring themes of bitterness, resentment, anger and such like on a monthly basis... constantly looking to relieve or avert this 'syndrome' which is viewed as a weakness... an illness of sorts. At best it is an inconvenience....at worst it can destroy people & relationships. But what if we took those 'irrational' emotions and looked at where they originated... truly looked, and truly accepted that, however uncomfortable they have roots somewhere buried inside. Maybe the pmt is an exaggeration, but it is some hurt literally screaming to get attention... crying out for healing. It may not even be a big hurt, but being buried, it festers & grows...

19th january 2012, 08:43

And so... this betrayal that bounces back & forth between my son & i. He left home when he was 14 to live with his dad.... although i would have preferred him to stay with me, I could understand his desire to be a man in a mans' household. I didn't object & gave my blessing, but when the time approached he kicked up a  massive argument & 'ran away' to his dads. Then he came back & went through the whole thing again, but this time went to my brothers. I was already alienated from my family and this gave them the means to 'score points' off me using my son. They were insiduous & undermining... i never saw him for 5 years apart from now & again, usually when he wanted something or couldn't get his way with his dad, grandad or uncle.

 28th january 2012, 23:42

I definitely felt betrayed by my family... not one encouraged him to come back or make peace. I felt they all betrayed my son.... he pretty much did what he liked, lacking direction & discipline. What i never realised until now, is that i felt betrayed by my son too. He left me, who had tried my hardest to provide a stable, consistent & fair upbringing... to go to his dad who had not contributed financially, who had the children regularly but it was his mother who actually looked after them, who gave no support in any form.... yes, i realise i felt betrayed... whenever i phoned he was 'busy' with my brother or his father.... he never saw my tears....

8th march 2012, 21:45

And my son? I sense that feeling of being betrayed from him too... the divorce... not fighting harder to get him back from his dad or stopping him go... meeting my partner.... and now finding out about certain things he has been up to. Much healing needed. We'll work on it.

 11th january 2012, 08:35

i've just noticed that the time each photo i chose

 was taken the minutes were between 35 ~ 45 

even to on different dates. 

i often find that the times of photos in a post 

contain similar numbers!

Discomfort, Disappointment &.... Betrayal

 5th may

My family, long distant, have been tugging at the peripheries of my life. Not because they want to build bridges or because they care, but because they want a leader while my father is ill. I am not prepared to step into this role. I have given some advice & some comfort where appropriate, but they can stay on the edges. That was last month.

 8th march

This month, rumblings of discontent regarding my son have come to a head. And i have not handled it well. Not at all. I have caused trouble, albeit inadvertently. For some reason i reverted to a pattern i have followed before & thought i was past doing.... i have let myself down & feel hurt.... i have hurt both my children. not badly, but hurt. betrayed a trust. Tears prick my eyes & i'm trying to work out why i hurt so much over this.... much more than any damage caused. What pain have i held onto that is re-enacting now?

10th march

there is a similarity to the feeling i had after confronting my father so many years ago. my son needed confronting, but i did not need to go in hard or lose my temper. i did both. firmness & persistence went out of the window, my usual understanding & withholding judgement didn't show up at all. out of character.

of course my partner & i had been discussing what action was necessary. i did stand back & assess my own feelings.... i have learned that i easily act on other people's energy... i thought i was sure of myself, but apparently not. it's not that i fired the bullets he gave me, that bothers me, so much as the way i did it.

 8th march

i feel shame. hurt. let down... by myself. and sick that i have acted this way to my children. and as before, my reaction is much greater than is warranted. every time i delve into my feelings, the tears come. i know they are releasing the hurt, i know they help to cleanse & heal. but what am i healing? it's something deeper than simply over-reacting or losing my temper. betrayal springs to mind...

23rd may

i find myself wondering how many times in my life i have acted on the energy or ambitions of others. as i wonder, i know it is something i have worked through before & know i'm thinking with my mind not my heart... this is not the source of my discomfort. I should have let a day pass before talking to my son... to go within and feel the course of action to take, instead of reacting emotionally. i need to do that now. to feel the source... to direct healing energy there... to understand why this pattern has repeated now....

 3rd june

betrayal swirls around & brings the tears.... who by? me? am i perpetrating a similar betrayal on my children as i received from my parents? that makes me feel worse. its near the mark. and i should know better... i, who help others to heal through generations.... shame... hurt.... because i'm passing it on. i've said the words that this goes no further, but still i do... before i can help them i need to help myself... to go back to where this started and heal some more...

15th february

Silence

Silence.

Quietness.

No need to talk.

 And that is good.

 10th december 2011 ~ 16:27

No issues for a year. Two years ago i started this blog, worried about my moon-time misery... this is how it started...

I'm in a strange place at the moment. Emotional jelly. Disproportionately hurt. For no reason... well there are reasons, but they're not anything to justify this reaction. I know that, but I can't seem to help it. I'm trying to un-peel the layers, to look below the surface & see what icy shards of former hurt remain unmelted. Unhealed.

I felt like i was in a foreign land... this is that first post. 

 14th december, 2011 ~ 07:43

It was indeed a foreign land... it was a cycle that took a year to unravel, a year of talking about things in public in a way i hadn't done before, followed by a year of silence. More or less. It wasn't just here that i've been silent... i've barely written in other places either.

It could have been the planetary movements bringing things to the surface... nudging me to examine myself... because the astrological the map does guide us in ways unseen... there could be other things at play. A clearing... a cleansing before some unseen initiation.

Years ago, it was similar irrationality that started me paying closer attention to the cycles of the moon... i'm trying to think exactly when.... about 10 years ago, thereabouts... but what followed was an intense few years of spiritual growth & healing. This last year has been intense too... i've retreated, withdrawn from people and things i usually do... didn't do any of the 'oughts' or 'shoulds'... particularly since the summer solstice.

But it has been very necessary. Connections have deepened. Energies have strengthened. 

 22 december, 2011~ 07:05

Since the winter solstice & the new moon something has changed. I've changed. An attitude... a confidence... a note in my voice. An apprenticeship is served. Maybe a new one will start.

I'm not sure whether i will write here.... or whether i shall change the focus. I've photographed the January full moon & written my thoughts at Moondreamin'. I do plan to fill in some of the gaps over there... i have notes & photographs to share & want to keep a record.... both of the moon & how my photography improves (or not) Things will come back on track naturally at Spirit Whispers i think too.

Already this month, I've been given several opportunities to help others heal... more in a few weeks than all of the last couple of years. And the energy is stronger than ever... powerful in a way that words can't convey. It's time to use it...

9th january, 2012 ~ 07:54

~The Moon of Welcome~

Seeing the Signs?

"Do you find that keeping a constant eye on the moon has a stronger effect on your life? The moon cycle is the same month to month. Do you see differences (details) that a random observer doesn't? For example, just before the Indonesia earthquake/tidal wave almost 6 years ago I saw a red ring around the moon. I would love to read some of your insights on the topic."


These questions came from Lisa, commenting on my last post, and it set me off on so many trains of thought that I still haven't written down. 


I wanted to be able to say yes, but I haven't seen signs that I can relate to specific events... perhaps the signs have been there & I haven't made the connection... perhaps I have been looking at a more personal level rather than global. I gave myself a slight admonishment at that... have i been too focussed on self? I do see signs frequently... unusual rainbow effects, circles of light, cloud formations and such. Often when I have been pondering something I see a sign that confirms or points me in a direction... that mean something to me... or sparks an insight into human behaviour or needs... When I do have such insights I may share them on moondreamin', though here, I tend to stick to the personal.

18th january, 06:50

same moon only a few seconds apart

different shutter speed

a slightly different way of looking

 yields a totally different view

But, spending so much time gazing upwards, you would think that I would sense something... again i had the sense that is something to do with focus, and vowed to try & be more aware. Before the February earthquake in New Zealand, I hadn't seen the moon at all for a fortnight due to cloud... i didn't see her for 3 days before the Japan earthquake last week... 


I also wonder whether it is to do with timing... that the moon may transmit her message for a time, & it depends who is looking at that time. There was an earthquake in New Zealand last September, and one in Chile last february... I've looked back over photographs to see if they would jog a memory of what i saw or felt. Whilst I can remember specific thoughts related to some, and have notes relating to others, nothing, even with hindsight, triggered an alarm at those times... 

8th march, 17:31

at the time i saw the moon moving into a 
clear space from behind cloud,

being held in a circle, 
a part of the whole but with her own identity.

now, as i post the picture, 
i see the moon as an eye in a fierce looking

birds or dragons head. 
am i looking for something that isn't there?

or showing that perception & focus determine 
what is seen or how a message is received?

an earthquake may be seen as a random event of nature,

or as a part of the whole of Earth... 

a shake of her muscle as she expresses her irritation

a bird pecking at it's feathers to clean them

a dragon scorching an intruder with it's breath...

lessons to be learned, 

don't bury our heads or hide behind clouds

look to the skies where eagle soars & dragon flies

see how gently they can land on earth... 

There are people I know, who get a sense of 'something is going to happen', one in particular who feels quite ill before such events of nature... usually, once she talks about it... acknowledges the feeling, it lifts... she can sense where in the world something may happen. Often she is right, sometimes nothing seems to occur. 


But what is someone supposed to do with that premonition? Perhaps it is the evolution of our collective mind... more strongly evolved in some... perhaps as more people tune in to this energy the collective can work to restore balance. Perhaps, being aware of some impending event means that we can transmit healing energy before it happens... maybe enough soothing vibes in an area can help mitigate the effects... 


"A blanket of comfort & calm... gently soothing the Earth... absorbing the anguish & pain... gently transmuting them into loving, peaceful energy... a blanket of calm gently soothing & settling the tremors... feel the earth's heart beating steadily once more... calmed by the blanket of love...  "
(this is part of a Blanket of Comfort for Japan at Healing Whispers)

New Moon Breakthrough

A comment from ari on my last post set me thinking... we've emailed, and one of my comments, to myself as much as to her was;

"I think the answer is to keep pouring love & compassion into it... and trust that eventually we/they recognise what 'it' is exactly. In fact i'm sure of it... now to practice what i preach... it has worked before but sometimes get too caught up.... i can't choose how someone acts but i can choose how i let it affect me, as they say!"

And so i have been applying my words... sending healing love & compassion to the way we can react to each other.

3rd november, 08:50

Since this round of pmt began, about a year ago now, I have at times got myself really worked up about certain aspects of my partners personality & his reactions to certain ways i act when i'm pmt-ish. It's not every time, and when it occurs over dark/new moon i can be more over-sensitive than usual. Part of it is habitual, i'm sure, but there is something underlying to trigger it. I have a 23-26 day cycle and have hit my 'danger zone' these last two months.

8th december, 17:34

It seems the light & compassion has been filtering through. Ok, i was ready for it... i was aware of the phase and where i was in my cycle... but nothing happened. A flicker, i nearly took the bait, but the urge subsided without rising. He almost blew up, then laughed. Nothing. No voice of unreason. I was thankful. I kept pouring the compassion.

 17:37

Decembers new moon... i thought i'd miss the danger  zone, but i went a few days longer than usual. A slight flare up, but it sank back down... it seemed there was nothing there to feed it... i continue to be thankful... and am hopeful that this issue is close to being resolved.

More onFull Moon Anger

The anger that i felt for a couple of full moons has been nagging me... not constantly, but gently nudging into my thoughts from time to time.... that there is more to it. This last full moon floated it back to my consciousness... not the anger, but the memory of the feeling. Time to re-examine. 

25th october, 18:25

I had thought that the anger wasn’t mine, that I’d picked up on someone else’s... perhaps i did. But as i reflected, the feeling that it was a trigger to release something in me came to mind. Sometimes in healing, emotions come to the surface with no obvious cause. Sometimes when working with others, I can sense where they come from & sometimes a bit of discussion can lead to the source... but not always. And often it is enough that they have released the blocked emotion with no need to pin-point where it came from.


The thought that it wasn’t necessary to know where the anger came from was strong, but running alongside was the acknowledgement that, yes, it was my anger. Acceptance. It came from me.

18:32

I am sure that symptoms of pre-menstrual tension are pointers to deeper issues within our selves that need attention... that they provide opportunities for healing or self development. If we allow it... if we are prepared to look at our reactions... truly, deeply inside our selves.

Accepting, without judgement.... knowing that my own repressed anger had surfaced, I asked that healing flow to it’s source. I don’t often feel anger... yeah i can get mad & sound off about various things... but full-blooded vicious anger? Where was that from?

18:58

My thoughts drifted to an unpleasant situation involving me & my family. My father mainly. Totally. A nasty confrontation that was necessary, but damaged relations between us all for a long time. He & I still don’t have a relationship. He is a hard man to confront. Anything he perceives as a challenge results in a temper explosion that thwarts discussion. A reaction borne out of his own insecurities & upbringing to mask any acknowledgement of possible weakness. 

I thought I had worked through it all... and i have, pretty much. Perhaps I could have handled it differently, but the outcome would likely have been the same eventually. But I kept going back to that time. It was fairly early on in my relationship with my partner & we had much to learn about each other. We handle things very differently & this situation aroused his anger about how I was being treated. Every time i talked about it he became angry & talked about how he would deal with it. 

18:59

Was my moon-time anger about my feelings not being heard? Maybe, but i’ve already resolved that. Was it about how i handled things? Again, maybe, but i’ve accepted how it was... The confrontation? Getting closer... something to do with the confrontations with my Dad... Don’t push it... just drift... let it come to you... oh gawd.. i was acting on his anger (my partners) not mine... how does that alter things? would i have still done the same? probably... so what’s the problem?... it was his anger, not my own... you vented his feelings, not yours... oh shit... did i provoke a situation unnecessarily?... no...that’s not it... it wasn’t the confrontation, but where you came from in doing it... Finally i got it... it wasn’t the words or the actual argument or whether i should have done anything differently... it was where the energy for the confrontation came from.... i didn’t vent from MY heart... MY anger was still there...  At least it was... not now...

19:00

The rift arose due to dysfunctional family communication. My dad doesn’t carry a chip on his shoulder... he’s got a wagon load! He’s lovely when he can see around them, but it’s unlikely we will reconcile in the near future. I’ve made peace with that... and with him at a higher level. My priority is to repair the communication issues that have been passed down from my grandparents & probably theirs... to my children & future generations. It stops here and won’t be re-lived in future life-times. Of that, I’m certain.

I offer my thanks... and blessings... to my father.... may his anger & misery dissolve...

Harmony?

21st october, 21:38

A full moon in aries...

from this month the moon moves into a more harmonious 

cycle of the full moon being in the same sign

 as the previous new moon...

for 15 months of  the reverse being true...

i found out at Into The Mystic
which led me to
The Aquarius Papers

I would say i started feeling

off balance with my moon times for a year or so,

so perhaps this has had some bearing.

I haven't been able to find any articles relating

astrology to pmt,

 but i'm sure the planets have a bearing

on how we are affected.

Red Moon

30th september, 22:47

i've been blissed out with energy levels zinging

then bam! 

today, joints ache & everything's an effort.

check the calendar... uh-huh

red moon approaches!

23:16

everything i've done has incurred some mis-hap

dropped the dog lead... daft dog ran off...

dropped a blind i was putting back up...

broke the little trinket dish that was my grans...

blah, blah on it goes.

planned to write loads

but the crystal thoughts of what about

have turned to turn to foggy remnants.

inspiration has officially hidden behind a cloud.

i ache, i'm tired, but not for sleep.

roll on tomorrow.

Full Moon Anger!

Moon-time misery has barely figured

apart from twice

when pmt occurred at full moon...

a few hours clouded by anger

an inexplicable rage

at what? i don't know

but i haven't had this before

a build up of pressure

like steam waiting to explode...

not like me.

22 september, 05:40

and of course it did.

explode.

and it went.

the red mist subsided 

and everything softened

23 september, 05:58

but... a conversation with someone 

mired in misery, depression & anger

who seeks my attention

but chooses not to be helped

he has exploded

towards others at work

a long time problem

of anger he can't contain

25 september, 06:23

clarity. 

i think.

it is not the first time i have experienced 

the pain, the feelings

of others

but usually i recognise what is not mine

as my body moves towards menopause

 much is written about 

mood swings & scattered emotions

perhaps this expectation clouded my view

i overlooked the signs

perhaps some of the emotional swings

are due to an increased sensitivity

which for me 

seem to be at full or new moon

lessons to embrace

not fear

in order to don

the mantle of wise-woman

Moving on...

Well... i've created a new space...

moondreamin'....

 it's still a work in progress
with quite a bit yet to write to set the scene.

But it's a start. 

I've taken some of the posts from here with me, 

so everyone should feel at home.

If you'd like to pop over,

I'd be honoured to share your company.

Moon-time tara is staying here, in the back ground

for those times i need to retreat...

more of a private place

for when i need to unravel my muddles.

But of course you are welcome to stay...

in what for me, 

has been and will continue to be

 a gentle healing space.

In the meantime

i'll be sharing my photography & lunar musings,

hopefully a little more regularly as i go

moondreamin...

Moondreamin'...

3rd august, 06:55

its been a dreamy moon for me...

moon-dreamin is good for the soul-

plenty of plans & goals dreams

mixed in with indulgent dreamy dreams...

if you know what i mean?

Entranced...

28th july, 22:08

Still low, catching golden sun-rays
a momentary glimpse
'twixt horizon and cloud...

 22:24

i wait as she climbs
clouds announcing her progress
with gold and silver luminosity...

 22:49

i am entranced... captivated

by a show that could be

for my eyes only...

23:04

she dances between gauzy layers
of iridescent darkness
weaving her magic into the fabric...

23:14

a waltz of hide and reveal
and i watch and i sway and
i move to her rhythm...

23:17

a night of enchantment
my soul filled with light
i give thanks for her blessing

Growth of Ideas

23 july, 23:24 

As the moon grows, so do my ideas for another place...

as usual I have too many ideas to realistically work on! 

But, I have learned that I don't need to act on every single one,

no matter how good I may think they are...

 27 july, 22:41

Full moon and the idea is set... but I still have to refine 

& consider some of the angles, the perspectives...

(as well as having time to 'play' with blogger templates)

I've also quite a few ideas to follow through with my work,

opportunities are opening up in many ways & the signs are there...

27 july, 22:43

I'm taking some time to look upon the patterns that are forming...

to see if they add or detract from what i'm already doing,

and where i want to go.

Perhaps i'll muse on things for a full cycle, 

to consider, reflect & feel my way...

Moonlight Affective Disorder?

 21st july 21:39

The effects of low sunlight levels in winter (SAD)
 are widely accepted

but what about lack of moonlight... MAD? 

Perhaps that term is best kept for full moon when many
 break through the barriers of control,

or perhaps dark moon when some withdraw too far,

or perhaps it suits those of us who miss her
in our unpredictable skies.

It may be reflected sunlight

but she diffuses it...

infuses it with her grace.

So many of our race has a form of 

Moonlight Affective Disorder 

 no longer honouring the rhythms

 that beat through the Universe.

But some of us just know...

we don't have to see her

we know...

A Glimpse...

17th july 22:59

a glimpse of her light means so much

but still she sails in cloud

i soak up her rays & hold them dear

then offer them back to the world